I'm Taking My Ball and I'm Going Home.

Good morning! Sorry I neglected you over the weekend, but I was super busy doing a whole lot of nothing. No, really. I had every intention of starting my 15 page paper that’s due in 3 days…but I got so preoccupied with being unproductive, that it seemed to slip my mind. Anyway, did you think I’d be able to let this whole “government shut down” thing go without adding my 99 cents? I know people typically say 2 cents…but I happen to think my opinion is more valuable than that. I mean, what can you buy for two cents? Nothing, that’s what.

Moving on…I typically try to avoid talking politics with people, because I find it's rather pointless. Before you overreact, let me explain. In my opinion, a personal political standpoint is a lot like sex - you should never force it on anyone. Too often, people get into long, drawn-out conversations that lead to nothing but frustration. I have no interest in debating politics with anyone, because I am intelligent enough to realize that I'm not going to be able to change anyone's mind about politics, or make them see my way. It is what it is.

That said; let me return to my point. Ah, yes. The government shut down.

Source: Me, Myself and I (created by me, for me)

When did legislation become such a pissing contest? It seems as though the two parties are so intent on not agreeing with each other about anything, that it clearly has slipped their minds that they are elected officials, and the people's interests (not their own) should be the highest priority.

5 Ways Being a Republican in the US Congress These Days is Like Being a Spoiled Child

1.   Every day is a new game of elephants vs. donkeys

2.   They do obnoxious little things just to be bratty (or “prove a point”)

3.   They draw a line on the floor and say "This side is ours; that side is yours. Don't cross the line. For any reason (especially even if it benefits the American people)!"

4.   They have no regard for deadlines (where else can you be months past a deadline in your job and it’s just okay??).

5.   They’re willing to shut down the government if they can’t get their way (effectually taking their ball and going home). Really? Just shut it down, huh? Brilliant! So about 800,000 federal employees would lose their jobs, military personnel wouldn't get paid, national parks would close, people wouldn’t get their tax refund checks...and the country just might fall apart at the seams, causing a mass exodus of epic proportions to occur, but...no big deal. As long as the budget doesn’t include community development funds and government-subsidized healthcare, or educational programs that help low-income children attend private schools. That’s obviously what’s important here.

You know, in the spirit of catering to the GOP's every whim and fancy (not his fault, his hands are tied with that damned system of checks and balances), I think next time the two sides reach an impasse, President Obama should hold a dodgeball competition to come to a resolution. The last team standing wins. End of story. Wouldn't that be great? Pretty sure the younger, more virile Dems would come out victorious. Can’t you just see Nancy Pelosi now, with her 80s day glow sweatband and shiny spandex pants, nailing Eric Cantor with a ball to the head?

Source: http://thrivesports.cc/wp-content/uploads/2010/04/dodgeball-image.jpg

I love it! Team Donkey would definitely need to keep an eye on sleepers like John McCain, though. Let’s be real - if the man can survive in a war prison camp, he can certainly survive a light game of "finish the effing budget, already" dodgeball. All in all, a good idea, I think.

If you agree with my proposal, write to your President here. I think if he gets enough feedback from the American people, he just might make that happen. Maybe we can get this passed before the final budget is approved. Now THAT’S a change we can all believe in.

Source: http://www.americanthinker.com/071103_obama_vmed_8p.widec.jpg

Some People Don't Talk That Good...

Believe it or not, I’m actually starting to feel like myself again! It’s nice to rejoin the land of the living. Now that I’m feeling better, methinks it’s time for a grammar lesson! I happen to think that it’s really important to use correct grammar and vocabulary, especially when writing emails or documents for business. Let’s face it: nobody uses perfect English when they speak…and that’s fine…conversationally. But when writing an email to your resident head honcho, you should probably try to sound intelligent (even if you aren’t). I’m just saying…fake it 'til you make it.

So, today’s post is a quick little grammar lesson on common mistakes that make people make that I personally have observed. If you are one of those people that don’t care – more power to you! I’m not judging…but I can’t promise that nobody else will. If you think that you have mastered the commonalities of the English language, perhaps this post isn’t for you. But just like those days in elementary school, please be patient for the students who do need this quick refresher.[1]

Shall we begin? Let’s call this little lesson…

5 Ways to Avoid Making Silly Mistakes That Might Make You Look Dumber Than You Are

1.      To/Two/Too – This one probably seems very basic, but you’d be surprised to know that many people still make this error. This is one example of the English language that I would imagine makes it a very difficult language to learn. These words are called homophones, because they sound alike, but are spelled differently and have different meanings. I would hope that most people at least know enough not to mix “two” up with the other two words ; it’s obviously a numerical value (like how I did that, there?).

A handy way to know which of the other two to use (because they are confused constantly): Sometimes it helps to just eliminate an option. Try to remember that the only meanings of “too” are “also” (I wish you had paid attention in elementary school grammar, too.) and “in excess” (Some people are too ignorant to care if they get it right.). Note the extra O; that will remind you that this word has to do with adding more on to something.

2.      Your/You’re – I have to admit; this one gets me. You’d think that since one of the words is obviously a contraction, people wouldn’t easily confuse the two.

Here’s an easy tip: “You’re” is always a contraction of “you are.” Anytime you write “you’re,” if you substitute “you are,” and it sounds stupid…you used the wrong word, stupid! Haha okay, okay…you aren’t stupid; you're confused. You just need to use the word “your,” instead (see how I tied that all together for you?).

If you haven’t noticed by now, I’m really liking these contextual examples. Okay, moving on…

3.      Its/It’s – Oh, man. This one is another big pet peeve of mine. See #2. Substitute “it is” or “it has” anytime you want to use “it’s.” If it doesn’t fit, you don’t know how to speak English (and you’re using the wrong word). Okay, calm down. That was a little harsh. I'm sure you speak English very well. I know you want to add that sneaky little apostrophe because you’re speaking in the possessive…but in this case…DON’T. “Its” is a possessive pronoun. Possessive pronouns such as hers, his and ours do not require an apostrophe to indicate possession. It’s really annoying to see people insist on the apostrophe. “Its” indicates possession on its own. Stop it; it looks dumb.

It’s almost recess time – don’t get antsy yet! To mix it up, the last two examples will be common phrases that people use incorrectly.

4.      IRregardless – I hate to break it to you, but this is not a real word. Just because you hear people say it – doesn’t make it so. I’m sorry. I know you’ve grown accustomed to using it, but you’re going to have to stop now if you would like to appear intelligent. It’s really not that difficult a concept when you think about it [logically]. “Regardless” means without regard, right? I’m pretty sure you don’t need that bonus prefix at the beginning to say what you mean. Think of it as a double negative (because, for all intents and purposes, it is); you know to avoid those, right? I'll save that for another time. Irregardless” is not a real word, regardless of what you may believe.

And last, but certainly not the least abused – and possibly the one that bugs me the MOST (drum roll, please)…

5.      All of the sudden – Okay, wait. What? All of THE sudden? What is THE sudden?[2] Why is it so specific? Is it the only sudden? How did you get all of it? This phrase doesn’t even make any effing sense! It’s an idiom; you can’t just change it to your liking at every whim. If you are one of the offenders in this case, no need to hang your head in shame – you definitely are not the only one. But admitting that you have a problem is the first step. Now you just need to take the appropriate action. Let me break it down for you: “all of a sudden” is an idiom, meant to imply that something happened quickly or suddenly (imagine that). There is no “all of the sudden” because that phrase would imply that there was a sudden…and you would like all of it. For example, let's look at the following sentences - All of a sudden you begin to see the light. All of the sudden you begin to see the light. The first sentence can be interpreted as Suddenly, you begin to see the light. The second sentence can't really be interpreted. Now, see how that all makes sense? 

Well, I hope that I didn’t bore anyone too much and that my little helpful hints have you all on your way to success. I can’t guarantee that you will be successful; I can’t speak to your intelligence. However, I can guarantee that the tips that I’ve listed are valid; how you choose to apply them is up to you. My work here is done.

Class dismissed.

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[1] For a really great grammar reference, I would suggest checking out Grammar Girl’s blog for quick and dirty tips. She breaks things down and makes them funny and easy to understand. Happy Learning!

[2] Side note: That just reminded me of the chorus from “Bills, Bills, Bills” (the Destiny Child song), when Beyonce sings “Can you pay my bills? Can you pay my telephone bills? Can you pay my automo bills?” Wait. Pay my automo bill? WTF is an automo?? I’ve never even heard of an automo; is it foreign? Is it an appliance? A new type of credit card? What else would require a bill?*


*For the record, I know what she was getting at. It just makes me laugh every time. 

Toto, I Don't Think We're at the Ritz Anymore...

As I mentioned before, I love staying in hotels. It's such a great escape from the monotony of every day life. You can leave all of the lights on as long as you want, run the water as long as you want (as long as you're not concerned with the environment, that is), set the A/C to the arctic freeze setting, room service, housekeeping, spa...what's not to like? What's funny to me is how standards change as you get older. When I was in college, I would stay in pretty much any kind of halfway-decent hotel. Now that I’m a grown up…my taste has become a tad bit more discriminating, to say the least. I’m not saying I always have to stay at a four star/diamond hotel…but I would, if I could. Not because I’m a complete hotel snob (although I do absolutely draw the line at hotels with outdoor entry; I’m convinced that those are actually motels), per se...but those places really are nicer. It isn’t just me. I mean, for those of you who haven’t stayed at the Ritz, Loewe’s, Waldorf-Astoria, or some equivalent hotel…you should. It’s almost worth the exorbitant amount of money.

There are a few key differences that I noticed during my last business trip. So that you indeed DO know what you’re missing, I have created a handy, dandy reference sheet:

5 Ways to Know That You Are NOT at the Ritz:

1.   The carpet has a curious, technicolor pattern, reminiscent of the 70's...or a cheap Vegas hotel...or a tacky cruise ship.

2.   Instead of a $10 bottle of Evian/Fiji, there is a free bottle of generic water - not necessarily a bad thing.

3.   The guest robe is dusty.

4.   You have to call housekeeping to please come change your sheets because the current sheets on your bed are suspiciously not tucked in at one corner (as if mussed during sleep by the previous guest, who must have been a wild sleeper).

5.   Instead of charging you for wireless internet, they charge you (or your company) $10-15 for internet...and then nonchalantly explain that you'll have to plug the provided ETHERNET CABLE into your laptop. I mean, really? Who still actually has to plug in to use the internet (besides my parents)??

There. Now if you are traveling and your hotel meets the above criteria…nope, it’s definitely NOT the Ritz, or any other “luxury” hotel. Perhaps you should click your heels together three times in hopes that you’ll end up in a hotel with gilded faucets and water pressure above a gentle stream...good luck with that.

Going Green?

Ok, so here’s the thing. I am actually a believer in things like global warming and I think that perhaps today’s society doesn’t really understand the full extent of the damage we are doing to our planet. I get it; I really do. The problem is…I still can’t seem to get my actions to coincide with this whole going green thing. My intentions are good, but I just have issues with actual execution. Last night, I was thinking about all of my terrible habits and came up with the following list:

5 Ways to Quickly Identify That You Are Contributing to the Detriment of the Earth

1.   You refuse to stop drinking water out of plastic bottles. Listen, some people prefer bottled beverages over cups/glasses. I’m definitely not judging (for obvious reasons). Water smells weird when you drink it out of a glass.

2.   You drive a Hummer/Yukon XL/Suburban, or any other extremely large vehicle…and it’s not even a hybrid. (For the record, I don’t drive a ridiculously large vehicle...or a hybrid…I just observe a lot of them on the Houston highways. Those things cannot be good for the environment.)

3.   You always require fresh towels and sheets when you stay in a hotel, even though most hotels now offer the option of keeping the same towels/sheets for the duration of your stay in an effort to conserve water. I kind of feel like that’s the whole purpose of staying in a hotel. Not having to clean up after yourself and always coming back to a made-up bed and fresh towels. No?

4.  You start your shower to let the water “warm up” while you brush your teeth, put your contacts in, and pick out your clothes. (I always have the intention of getting right in the shower.)

5.  You don’t recycle. (In my defense, our apartment complex doesn’t even offer the option of recycling. I recycle when I have the option; but it’s a little difficult when I don’t. My fault? I think not.)

Basically, the long and short of it is...do your part. Bad habits are like assholes; everyone has one. But at the end of the day, this isn't our planet to keep...we're just renting the space for a little while. Try a little harder. If not for your own sake, for your [future] kids' sake. I will too. Promise.

Source: http://www.iziggblog.com/izigg-creating-green-marketing-practices-small-business