Spotted! Weiner's Weiner*

Forgive me for neglecting you, but it's been a busy three days. I won't bore you with the minutia, I'll just jump right in.

Let's talk about Weinergate, shall we?

Representative Anthony Weiner (D-NY) retracted his initial claim that his Twitter account had been hacked and admitted this afternoon that he sent a lewd picture to a young woman as claimed. Interestingly, I'm not surprised. Additionally, he admitted that this was not the first time (and sadly, probably not the last) that he has done so, AND he admitted to explicit conversations with six women over the past three years (overshare?). "A" for sticktuitiveness, though...amidst all of the name-calling and overall general disdain, Weiner says he is embarrassed, but does not plan to retire. Read the article in its entirety here (because Fox News is so reliable, but whatever).

I guess Weiner just couldn't keep his weiner to himself. My favorite part of this article is where [BigGovernment.com publisher] Andrew Breitbart confirmed that the photos appeared to be Weiner, stating, "He's in very good shape." PAUSE. Was that envy I detected, or does somebody want himself some Weiner?? Things that make you go "hmmm..."

I hate to laugh at someone else's misfortune (who am I kidding?), but this is hilarious. I guess his advisors told him to take the "all or nothing" approach, eh? Next he'll be confessing to a college "phase" he went through where he dabbled in erotic asphyxiation and beastiality. Sheesh. What is going on with the politicians in New York?! First the Spitzer prostitution ring scandal, and now this? Those guys are obviously thinkin' with the wrong heads in the Big Apple. Additionally, am I the only person that finds irony in both of these offenders' names? Weiner? Spitzer? ...and why does it always have to be the young girls? Do you think that people would be more willing to overlook and forgive indiscretions if perhaps the women involved were of drinking age (okay, slight overexaggeration)? I think it would help a little bit...but just a little. The icing on the cake for me was during the press conference, with one reporter shouting repeatedly, "She was young enough to be your daughter!!" Hahaha consider yourself judged, ya weiner.

I think it's safe to say that Weiner is now wishing he'd kept his weiner to himself. Luckily for him, his wife of one year (sad, but true), is an aide in Secretary of State Hillary Clinton's office. Maybe Weiner will get lucky and she'll seek relationship advice from Hillary. We all know where she tends to stand on matters of adultery, right?

I'll leave you with a Weiner quote I found on Wikipedia. You know how people play that game where you read your fortune aloud and add "in bed" after it? Let's play that game with this quote, and swap out all of the "it"s with the phrase "my weiner"...

 "I push people pretty hard [with my weiner]... I have nothing but love for people who endured it my weiner, even if they endured it my weiner for a short period of time."

Enough said.


*Let me apologize [in advance] for my excessive use of weiners the word weiner. It just couldn't be helped.

Love Notes, Revisited

Ho hum. I just can't seem to shake the post-birthday blues. Hopefully this won't last too long. Don't worry, until it blows over, I'm avoiding country music, razor blades and the roof. This too, shall pass. Ha! Moving on - I hardly had enough personality to blog today. Luckily I have such an overabundance of personality, that there's still a tiny bit left. Definitely enough to share this random funny. I mean, personality or not, I like to laugh. Thanks to @sarahsilverman for bringing it to my attention!

Remember when we talked about the fun to be had with writing angry letters? They probably don't ever accomplish anything besides giving the recipient (who is typically a douche nozzle) a good laugh (and maybe getting some random complimentary bullshit in hopes of retaining your business), but they sure as hell make you feel a lot better, amiright? If something or someone pisses me off, the only way I can move on (after obsessing about it for hours, undoubtedly) is if someone gets a piece of my mind. Especially if it was a business-oriented offense, where I was expecting some sort of service and all I got was a huge disservice. Well, here is a classic example of an angry letter that just had me in stitches. I love people like this. Eugene Mirman and I are definitely kindred spirits. Don't hold back! Tell it like it is! Assert your obviously superior intelligence while emphasizing the offender's lack thereof. But you can't be all-out nasty when writing business-related hate mail. Nope, people with class wage war on intelligence and the un-met expectation of good service (in most cases; there are definitely some exceptions where nothing will do besides a good, rousing, F bomb).* No, I will most certainly NOT give crib notes for this one. Read it! Thank me afterwards.

Source

...and that, my lovelies, is how you write a business-related nastygram. Hahahaha! Loves it!
____________________________________________________________________________________
*I don't have anything against the "F" word. Hell, I use it every day and I'm still a fucking lady.  

Whatever LOLA wants, LOLA gets...

I would say Happy Hump Day, but mine has been less than stellar this morning and it's not so happy. So I'm just gonna skip the typical chipper greeting and get right to it. Does anyone else watch Law and Order: Los Angeles (LOLA)?? I apparently caught the Law and Order bug sometime around my freshman year of college. I think I liked it so much because it was ALWAYS on! I could wake up and watch it on TNT, and then it would be on USA all day long. I can't even tell you how many L&O marathons I've had whilst laying in bed (when I should have been in class), munching on some sort of tasty snack (yes, I am one of those people whose guilty pleasure (among other things) is eating in bed). So, needless to say, I was delighted when good ol' dependable Dick Wolf (What a name! If he were American-Indian, I'd like to think his name would be reversed to Wolf Dick. Hehehe 'cause it makes me giggle.) came through with yet another addition to the L&O family (although I've heard that [not so] sadly, LOLA didn't make the cut and will not be renewed for a second season). So, I of course set my dvr to record the entire season.

HOWEVER, last night, I tuned into the newest episode and I was pissed. LOLA committed a huge faux pas and now I don't know if I can continue to watch it. I hate it when shows/networks do things like replace an actor who plays a major character (they do it most often on soap operas, I think) without warning, or have one actor make two different guest appearances as different characters (which actually does happen sometimes on L&O, but it's hard to call because there are so many of them, you can't remember which L&O the actor was on), or change major parts of the storyline because they don't do their research on archived episodes. The most blatant offense I've witnessed to date was an extremely old episode from the first season of 90210 where Donna Martin's mother was named Nancy and was played by a different actress than the woman who played her mother for the remaining duration of the series...oh yeah, and her name was Felice. Everybody knows Donna's mom's name was Felice, right??!? Well, I'm not making this up. Apparently, Donna's sweet mom Nancy's soul was eaten by this imposter Felice after Season One and nobody noticed (except me). Super convenient. But I digress. Back to LOLA.

So I watched Monday night's episode, "Plummer Park," which my Uverse® info swears first aired on 05/30/2011 . . . and Skeet Ulrich was on it. *blink blink blink* For those of you who do watch, I'm sure you can understand my confusion (spoiler alert!). Yeah, that's right. Confusion. Because Skeet Ulrich's character, Detective Rex Winters, was killed off by a Mexican druglord in the first post-hiatus episode, "Zuma Canyon," which aired on 04/11/2011. Who does that?!? Ugh. Additionally, instead of Connie Rubirosa, it was that less talented ADA, ol' whatever her name is. *SIGH* To my chagrin, this episode was obviously aired out of sequence, which I personally think was an unforgiveable oversight. All that says to me is that instead of being concerned with the quality of their programming, the producers were more interested in making their post-hiatus premiere "sexy" with the death of one of the two good looking men on the show main characters (not to mention the only other actor besides Terence Howard that any of us really gave a crap about). Epic fail. Good job, NBC. Way to ostracize one of the ten loyal viewers you had left. No wonder this poor excuse for a L&O spinoff is getting cancelled.

Well, this blog (again) turned out to be a lot longer than expected. So, I will bid you [and LOLA] adieu. Hopefully my day will improve and with it, my mood. But no promises. Love ya, mean it.

Talkin' 'Bout My Gender-ation

Hellooooo! Oh, how I've missed you. Although I had a wonderful time on our vacation, it's nice to get back to the land of the living. There's only so much drunken debauchery a girl can handle! I'll share some of the pics from our jaunt over to the Big Easy another time, but for now, let's just jump right in.

Surely by now you've caught wind of the Canadian hippies* who have spontaneouly spiraled into their own fifteen minutes of fame because of their choice to "raise their child without regard to gender." No, really. They are only releasing its gender to a handful of people and they are sticking to their guns. Now, I'm not a parent, so I probably shouldn't judge, but . . . I'm judging. In fact, I'm doing so much judging, I'm almost speechless. Forget all of the psychological and sociological theories that say that gender identification is a very important part of child development. Those quacks obviously don't know what they're talking about! Right? I'm rolling my eyes. Profusely.

Do they really think they're doing their child any favors? Ok, so perhaps it isn't such a big deal now. The kid is four months old. I'm sure (s)he could give a shit at this point. However, they are seriously just setting poor Storm up for failure. All the weird developmental issues (and most likely, eventually even sexual issues) aside, this poor kid is going to go off to school and won't know what bathroom to use (or how to use it, for that matter), or what peer group to seek out. It's hard enough being a kid nowadays in our shallow society, having to worry about popularity and wearing the right brand of clothing . . . do you really want to add to those existing burdens by giving your child a gender complex? Not to mention the name choice. Storm? Listen, I hate to break the news, but your child is not a member of the X-Men with the ability to control the weather. I'm not sure if that was the inspiration, or it was the most popular stripper at their local titty bar. Either way, this poor child is destined for a life of merciless teasing. Trust me. I got teased just for being mixed. If I got teased because I didn't "talk black enough," this kid is definitely going to get teased for not knowing if (s)he's a boy or a girl. Talk about unnecessary confusion.

The best part is the mother's response to the immediate wave their story caused:
"The strong, lightning-fast, vitriolic response was a shock," said Kathy Witterick in a letter. "The idea that the whole world must know our baby's sex strikes me as unhealthy and voyeuristic."

Really?! Unhealthy? Voyeuristic? Um, I beg to differ. What's unhealthy is self-serving parents who force their radical (liberal or otherwise) philosophies on their defenseless children who have no say in their upbringing. What's unhealthy is swearing your 2 and 5 year-old children to keep the family secret. Voyeuristic? Maybe she should have looked that big word up before she used it. I know I'm not getting my rocks off, worrying about this poor baby's gender issues. Naturally, people's curiosity have been piqued - you were in The Toronto Star!  Everybody knows that millions of people subscribe to that publication. Haha! This publicity and interest is obviously just what the midwife ordered for these hippies - if they wanted their story to be private . . . they probably shouldn't have told their story to the world. Additionally, she's giving her family a lot of credit here. "Must" was a strong choice of words. I don't have to know the gender of your baby; I want to. Furthermore, I wouldn't even give a shit if you hadn't paraded said baby around greater North America with its cherubic little cheeks and sweet, little, blond curls. Screw you, lady. With your self-importance and hippie superiority.
That said - again, I'm not a parent. I guess it really isn't my place to judge. So instead of pointing fingers and namecalling (which I've already gotten out of the way), I will instead follow Southpark's lead and just simply "Blame Canada."



*I don't mean to use the term "hippie" derogatorily. In fact, I mean it in the truest sense possible. Come on; they're obviously hippies! She gave birth to Storm in a bathtub. On purpose! I'm sorry, but no amount of Clorox would help to erase the memory of afterbirth floating in the garden tub. No, thank you. Sign me up for the epidural drip in a nice and cozy maternity ward, please.

Becks' Favorite Things

I had a bit of an epiphany this morning. I realized that I spend a good majority of my time on my blog bitching about my dislikes and pet peeves and things I hate. In honor of Oprah's last show, maybe it's about time to give you some insight into the things that make me happy. I'm going to start with baby steps and just give you a little peek into some of the things I almost can't live without...maybe you'll find some stuff that piques your interest. Without further ado...

...these are a few of my favorite things...

(Don't worry, my list consists of much more substantial shit than raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens.)



Gadgets

Like most women, I'm not all that big on gadgets. (Okay, that was a gross generalization, but most of the women I know would much rather spend their money on clothes and shoes than gadgets. That's what men are for.) That said, there ARE a few that I would be lost without. Starting from top, then clockwise:

(1) Original Chi flat iron - Call me old school, but I'm still using the original chi. I'm not quite sure how I lived without it. But my hair and my ego both thank Farrouk (and fun Kristie for letting me in on the secret years ago).

(2) Kindle 3G - A bookworm's dream!! This is by far the best gift I've ever received. An endless library of books at my fingertips? Yes, please.

(3) Scrabble app for Kindle - (Not sure if this can be considered a gadget...but it's my blog and I say it does. End of story.) I don't know if you know this about me, but I love words. Big ones, small ones, bad ones, silly ones. Thus, Scrabble is probably one of my all-time favorite games. The convenience of having it on my Kindle never ceases to amaze me. It's very satisfactory to beat the computer. I'm not bragging, but my stats are pretty great.

(4) Blackberry Bold - WHAT DID I EVER DO WITHOUT A SMARTPHONE? Enough said. I like mine the best because of the leather back. It's classy.

(5) Motorola T325 Bluetooth In-Car Speakerphone - Another great gift from the hubs! Alas, my car didn't come with the bluetooth for my phone and my car is pretty much the place I do the most chatting. This little gem is the perfect solution! It works just like the handsfree in most cars and even offers voice command dialing. Score.

Snacks n' Shit

Okay, okay. These aren't all snacks. Hence the "n' shit." But these are some foodstuffs that make me happy.

(1) Haribo Gold Bears - Hands down the best gummy bears EVER. Trust me. Gummies are my favorite candy and I've pretty much tried them all. This brand smokes all the others. They rate perfect on the chewy, fruity scale. Get some. They're delish.

(2) Ketel One Vodka - I totally used to be a Grey Goose girl. I mean, rappers used to write songs about it; it must be good. But then I did a blind shot taste test...and Ketel really is just better. It has a smooth, sweet finish that is music to any martini's ears. If you haven't already tried it, please do. I'm spreading the news.

(3) Truffle Oil - Quite possibly the most decadent type of oil, this stuff is amazing. I'm convinced it was sent to us from the gods (who dined on nectar, ambrosia and truffles, as far as I'm concerned). I had my first experience with the truffle fries at Maison Dupuy in New Orleans and I was hooked. Try drizzling some of this amazing indulgence in a bottle on french fries or macaroni and cheese (I think it goes best with gruyere mac and cheese, personally). You'll want to dive into a pool of it, roll around and stay awhile. Do it. This rates right up there with Nutella and Limoncello.

(4) Caramel Apple Sugar Babies - You might lose a tooth eating these, but I promise it's worth it. These chewy delights are limited edition and tough to find, but keep an eye out around Halloween. They seriously taste like a caramel apple and it's a party in your mouth. (TWSS?) They also have them sometimes at Cracker Barrel.

(5) Don Julio Blanco - The hubs and I did a tequila tour, where we tried different brands to determine which we liked best. This is probably my favorite tequila to shoot. Super clean finish and no scrunchface at the end. You can barely taste it (which could be dangerous)!

(6) True North Pistachio Crisps - I love all things pistachio. Pistachio pudding, pistachio cake, pistachio icing, pistachio ice cream, plain ol' salty pistachios...I could go on. But these little crispy wafer thingies with the bits of pistachios are a winner, winner, chicken dinner in my humble opinion. This brand is a little uppity and can be difficult to find but you can likely find these in any hoity toity grocery store. It's worth the trek out to the 'burbs for these little salty snackeroos.

Tunes

I love music. All genres. I think music is the perfect cure-all. There's something to suit every mood and songs can even trigger memories (good or bad) and transport you back to the exact moment you filed that song in the memory bank. In fact, I'm pretty sure I have a tiny DJ in my head with super eclectic taste in music that keeps me bobbing my head to some beat every second of every day. My love for music probably came from my years slaving away at the piano...but either way...Loves it! I have such an affinity for such a wide variety of music, it's damn near impossible to pinpoint my favorite albums...but here are several of them (in no particular order). In the interest of time, I had to cut myself off; I could seriously go on forever.

(1) Kanye West - My Beautiful, Dark, Twisted Fantasy - Uh...SO good. It was a relief to have the old Kanye back. I'm still pissed about 808's and Heartbreak. Welcome back, 'Ye. You were missed.

(2) Nina Simone - Ze Best - Simply put, I heart Nina Simone. She sang of a time of oppression and pain and overcoming obstacles. Total class act. Don't be surprised if one of my children ends up named Nina. I've been coveting that name for years.

(3) Coldplay - Parachutes - "'Know how I know you're gay?' 'How?' 'You like Coldplay.'" Gay or not, I love me some Chris Martin. That voice! It's so haunting and I love it. This cd is one of my all-time faves. Perfect cd to zone out to.

(4) Jay-Z - The Blueprint - Sick album. Period. I've loved Jigga since Reasonable Doubt...but this cd really did it for me. That love ballad (haha) with Eminem, "Renegade"? Ridiculous.

(5) N.E.R.D. - In Search Of... - The song "Lapdance" will never get old for me. Ever. The DJ in my head keeps it on heavy rotation. What a great theme song.

(6) Erykah Badu - Baduizm - All-time Favorite. Her voice is SO soulful and rich. Her concert was actually one of the best I've ever been to, also.

(7) Devin the Dude - Waiting to Inhale - I heart Devin. He's a rapper after my own heart. Pretty much all he raps about is smoking weed...but what's wrong with that? I've been hooked since "Doobie Ashtray."

(8) Nirvana - Nevermind - Come. On. Classic!

(9) T.I. - Trap Muzik - The best T.I. album is debatable, but this is my personal fave. I love most things T.I., but this album was (and still is) the shit.

(10) 2Pac - All Eyez on Me - Okay. I LOVE TUPAC. Always have; always will. I'm a sucker for a sexy guy with a bald head and Tupac did not disappoint. I loved that he was so deep and poetic. I know he's dead (and what a shame), but this album will never die.

(11) Outkast - ATLiens - This might be the best overall album ever. I'm just saying. These guys are spittin' knowledge at you and you don't even know it because of the dope beats and the twang. Well, let me tell you - I've owned at least 5 copies of this album and they've all been stolen. That's saying a lot.

(12) Jay-Z - The Blueprint 3 - Maybe I'm being a bit redundant, but I loved this album from front to back. I can't say that about a lot of albums. Venus vs. Mars is my track. Who am I kidding? I love them all.

(13) N.E.R.D. - Seeing Sounds - Pharell wasn't kidding. This album made me really see where he was going with his beats. This one stays in heavy rotation, too.

(14) John Mayer - Where the Light Is - I don't typically love live albums, but this one is a killer because it's just an amazing compilation. Two thumbs up.

(15) Juvenile - 400 Degreez - Another classic. Any hot girl/boy from the south would agree. This cd was the joint when it came out. Still is, in my humble opinion.

(16) Adele - 21 - I am currently obsessed with this cd. Adele's voice is retarded amazing and it seriously gets in your head. I recently posted on Facebook that driving while listening to this album is detrimental to my health because I always want to close my eyes and get lost in the music. I wasn't exaggerating.

(17) Kanye West - Late Registration - Another all-time favorite. Hands down my favorite Kanye cd. This album was one of the first "just because" gifts the hubs ever gave me when we were dating. I loved it so much, I put all the homies on it. This cd will always remind me of some of the best times of my life. Thanks, Kanye. You're not so bad, after all.

**(18) Imogen Heap - Speak for Yourself - Okay, I neglected to add a pic of this album...but it's uh-mazing. The clarity in her voice is out of control. Hers was another one of the best concerts I've attended. She actually sounds that good in real life, too.  

Beauty Products

Now that I have your attention, I'll close with the beauty essentials in my life. These are the things I el-oh-vee-ee...

(1) Blowdryer Comb Nozzle Attachment - This is the newest addition to my beauty essentials. Gets your hair stupid straight and sleek. Not sure if they're available for retail purchase, but if you know a stylist - they can probably order it for you.

(2) Gucci Perfume - The original. This stuff smells so good I want to gobble myself up. The only downfall is that it's lasting power is kind of subpar. But it's worth it to smell like heaven, even if just for a few hours.

(3) Fantasia IC Hair Polisher Heat Protector Straightening Serum - This stuff is, simply put, the BOMB. It makes your hair feel all silky smooth and adds a nice shine without weighing it down. It smells yummy and has the added bonus of protecting your hair from all of the harsh heat of blowdrying and flat ironing. (Thanks AGAIN, fun Kristie)

(4) Dr. Scholl's Insteps for High Heels - Are you gellin'? If not, you should be. These things are a Godsend for girls like me who insist on punishing their feet with 4"+ heels. Ladies, if you haven't already, buy some. Right meow, please.* Thank me later.

(5) Pedi-Egg - This is the perfect solution to keeping your feet soft and supple (Giggle. Words that end in "pple" make me laugh.). Use this little wonder after showers and you'll notice an immediate difference. Promise.

(6) Kiwi Color Reflector Deep Treat Masque - I don't even have color in my hair, but I swear by this conditioner. I use it with every wash and it leaves my hair soooo soft and silky. This stuff is seriously amazing. I found it at TJMaxx once for $5 (!) and I bought 5 of them. Just because. That just goes to show how much I love it.

(7) MAC Studio Fix - Best compact ever! I love it because it can be brushed on for lighter coverage, or you can use a sponge for heavier coverage. Good stuff.

(8) NARS Lip Gloss in Striptease - I have looked high and low for the perfect nude gloss. This is it. I think I'm in love.

...and thus concludes this episode of Becks' favorite things. Do you feel like you know me better? At the very least, I've introduced you to some things that you just might want to give a whirl, right? Then my job here is done. Besides, this turned into a novel of epic proportions and I really only did it because I thought it would be quick and mindless. I was so wrong. But see - I'm not all thorns and razorblades. I like some things...I just also happen to dislike just as many things. I'm going to try to post something more substantial in a bit, but no promises. I'm headed to NOLA in the morning to laissez les bon temps rouler!!  

Statistics

Welcome back! Hopefully none of you raptured on Saturday...because from what I hear...it didn't happen. I don't know about you, but I hate to be the first to the party! Don't fret, I'm sure Harold Camping will have a newly revised date for us soon. I betcha he's regretting that decision to put his pets down right about now. But that's enough about that. Let's move on to something a tad bit more...consequential?

So I was reading this article last week about how Psychology Today published a piece last week by Satoshi Kanazawa, entitled "Why Are Black Women Less Physically Attractive Than Other Women?" and honestly, I was just appalled. You would think that in this day and age, any publication with any type of clout would have the sense enough to weed out the riffraff and only publish articles of true substance. This story brought about several questions and points for me. 

What demographics do you think his focus group consisted of? How many women were rated in the study? What did these women look like? Was there a control group? How can a person qualify something as subjective as a personal opinion regarding attractiveness? And most importantly, what was Psychology Today thinking?? I think my favorite part of this whole study is that black women on average are "heavier than other women" AND that black people on the whole are "less intelligent." 

Really? Less intelligent? I beg to differ. At the very least, I am intelligent enough to know when smoke is being blown up my ass (and not because it feels good). Furthermore, I am intelligent enough to realize a half-baked moron who just needed a platform from which to spout his cockamamie racist bullshit ideas. Hmmm...but I am half Korean. Perhaps my Asian half is the top half. You know, the half with the brain? Yeah, that must be it.

This brings me to a point that I have always screamed from the rooftops, but no one ever seems to listen. Statistics are stupid. They can be manipulated to yield pretty much any end result you're looking for. Especially when you're a racist "psychologist" who is more interested in stirring the proverbial race pot than reporting true findings. You can't just introduce study results as inflammatory as these without giving hard facts to back them up. It's a little fishy to me that he never really gave any real information about his interviewees or the people they judged. I don't know about you, but I'd like to see what they look like. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, after all...and if the beholder isn't so beautiful...their standard for beauty may be skewed. 

Luckily, Psychology Today woke up and realized how bad this article was really making them look (and received a ton of irate hate mail in response to this idiots ignorant musings), and they have since removed it from their website. Too little, too late, as far as I'm concerned. I don't know if this was a terrible attempt at playing devil's advocate, but all they did was succeed in pissing me (and hopefully everyone else who wasted their time reading this malarky) off. The funny thing is, not five minutes after I finished reading about Shitty Kanazawa's article, did I come across this article, singing the praises of the beauty of women of mixed race. (I can't say I disagree. *toot toot* That was my horn being tooted.) Apparently this survey was given to a very different focus group that Kanazawa's. 

In lieu of leaving you with my typical biting wit, I will instead leave you with a piece I wrote several years back that I feel relates perfectly to this topic. I don't often share my poetry, but this seemed as good a time as any. See you next time!

Statistics

The colored girl is not known and hence not believed in;

She belongs to a race that is best designated by the word “problem,”

And she lives beneath the shadow of that problem,

Which envelopes and obscures her.

For years, I have possessed the spirit of men –

Bold and enterprising,

Fearless and undaunted.

Statistics (your statistics)

Show a people (my people)

Bound by their own ignorance.

Ignorance?

Do not sit up on your flowery bed of ease and attempt to bury me

Under something as simple as your statistics.

Do not waste your time attempting to suppress me

Because my intelligence is boundless and my knowledge is infinite.

For an eternity, you will find yourself trapped

By your own jealousy and hatred.

Shall it be said any longer that the daughters of Africa,

They have no ambition,

They have no force?

Any individual black woman who is forced to

Remain motionless on the outside

Will develop on the inside, a changed consciousness as a sphere of freedom.

The Rapture

Happy Friday! Well, maybe not so happy. "Why is that," you ask? Well, besides the fact that I'm nursing a well-earned-weeklong-birthday-celebration hangover this morning, today is May 20th. Do you know what that means? That means tomorrow is May 21st . . . aka the Rapture . . . aka Doomsday (if you subscribe to that Harold Camping mumbo jumbo, that is). So does that make today Doomsday Eve?

I have mixed feelings about this. Well, not really mixed feelings. I'm really just less than enraptured with the Rapture. Let's discuss.

• Who is this Camping guy, anyway? What makes him a prophet? What else has he prophesized? I'm not convinced I want to leave the prophecy of the end of the world as we know it in the hands of someone I've never heard of before. Wait. What's that? He's a Christian radio host? Oh, ok. That explains it. Not so much the prophet part, but definitely why I didn't know who the hell he was. I'm a little confused, though. When I Google his name, I keep seeing the word "false" in front of prophet. Hmmmm...must be a typo.
• Has anyone else picked up on the fact that May 21, 2011 is actually Camping's revised prophecy for Doomsday? Since a prophecy doesn't sound much like something that requires revision, this prompted me to do a little research (since again, I know absolutely nothing about this guy). I know he says that he knows "without any shadow of a doubt" that it will happen . . . but I'm not convinced. Apparently, he's been wrong before. Several times. I feel like I need a little bit more confirmation before I go bananas with my AmEx. (Don't judge; a girl needs to look pretty for an apocalypse, right? That sounds like some kickass survival instincts to me. They never let the pretty girls die in the movies.)
• According to Camping, massive earthquakes and other natural disasters will begin on May 21, 2011. Being that I have never lived in a state that actually experiences earthquakes, I have what may be considered an irrational fear of them. There's something about the concept of the earth shaking beneath my feet that I can't quite wrap my mind around. Furthermore, these natural disasters are predicted (by the ever-reliable Camping) to last until October??? I don't understand. Am I expected to stand in a doorjamb until October? That's just silly. What if I have to potty? This is giving me anxiety.
• Ok, so how exactly is this whole Rapture situation going to work? Apparently, approximately 200 million "righteous" will "Rapture into heaven" (I didn't realize it was also a verb), and the sinners will be left behind? Although I like my chances a tad bit better with these numbers than with the 144,000 that the Jehovah's Witnesses believe will make it to heaven . . . I'm still a little worried. How do I know if I'm righteous or a sinner? Is there some sort of Rapture manual with a checklist to help identify whether I'd be one of the ones left behind? If so, I imagine it to be something like a Cosmo quiz - "If you answered 'yes' to more than 4 of the questions . . . sorry for your luck. Enjoy the earthquakes." I don't know what to do. I have to have some sort of guidance to help me quickly determine if I need to go buy enough Doomsday supplies to last me until October, or if I just need to buy something pretty for my rendezvous with St. Peter. (Side note: I've always wondered about the wardrobe situation in Heaven. Will I have an endless closet, filled with all of the latest fashions I can't live without, with everything fitting me perfectly and looking amazing...for all of eternity? Or will I be stuck wearing whatever I died in or was buried in? Wearing the same outfit for...well...ever, sounds more like hell to me. I'm just saying.)

Well, at this point, I feel like I should stop typing. If tomorrow truly is the beginning of the end, I probably shouldn't waste any more time blogging. You certainly shouldn't waste any more time reading. What will you do on this Doomsday Eve? How will you ring in the Rapture? Will you spend it clutching your rosaries (although I'm fairly certain if you're not on the guest list by now, a few extra prayers today probably won't do you any good), or will you party like it's 1999? I think I'll just go shopping. Nothing like some retail therapy to make you forget the end of the world (I guess this means a trip to the mall. It seems a little nonsensical to pay for shipping if I'm never going to receive my goodies). Besides, I've done enough partying this week, remember? I think my liver is secretly glad that the Rapture is tomorrow. I don't think it knows that the end isn't scheduled to start until about 6 p.m. That leaves plenty of time for cocktails.

Good luck, kiddos. Grab your hard hats and keep an eye out for zombies. I'll catch you on the flip side.

R.E.M. - It's The End Of The World As We Know It (And I...

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Hasta La Vista, Baby.

Uh oh, kids. It looks like we're going to have another Tiger Woods on our hands.

Hey, hey - easy! No need to throw your clubs, T! You'll always be near and dear to our hearts as the lovable philanderer whose adorable little blonde, Swedish wife beat him into such a panic, he crashed his car...in his own front yard. (Remember that? That was awesome.) However...I've gotta say, I think The Governator might be trying to steal a little bit of your shine. 

Unless you live under a rock, I'm sure you've heard that Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver have [finally] decided to call it quits. I can't exactly say I'm surprised. Actually, I was probably more surprised when they announced that they were going to get married. Right?! It's no secret; the man married up. She's a Kennedy, for Pete's Sake (There goes that damn Pete, again)! But have you heard the latest and greatest??  Apparently, the housekeeper wasn't enough to satisfy this Austrian adulterer. Yup, you heard right. Another woman came forward this afternoon with guns (i.e. Gloria Allred) blazin'!

 At least this chick didn't live in the house with the family...she's just a washed up actress (read: star effer) who allegedly did the grownup with Arnold for the first time in 1975 when she was a young and impressionable SIXTEEN YEAR OLD (not so grownup, after all). Then, there was apparently some sort of loooooong hiatus (called the eighties - they were probably both extra busy doing hookers and blow or whatever people did for fun in the 80's), after which, they picked up where they left off...just three years after he wed Shriver.

I'm a little concerned that this really is going to end up like the whole Tiger debacle, where one unattractive woman after another comes forward with stories of debauchery and deviance (with a side of douchebaggery). Although, Arnold did trump Tiger with the love child. Love child? Have you seen this chick? Um...yikes. Definitely not the type of woman to conceive a love child with. See below...

Yeah...probably not Arnold's shining moment. What is it with these celebrities and their attraction to back-door broads? You know, the kind you have to push out the back door in the morning? Oh, wait. Did I say morning? Let me amend that - back-door chicks are really the ones that guys refuse to stay the night with and sneak out the back door right after relations. Because let's face it, if she looks like THAT with her makeup on, what must she look like in the mornings?? Would you want to wake up to her? Right. I didn't think so. I happen to think she bears a striking resemblance to Elsa Patton, the infamous creepy-looking mother from The Real Housewives of Miami.

No??? Come on! You can't tell me there is no resemblance there. Ugh. I just don't understand what the trend is with all of these celebrity couples recently where the not-as-good-looking husband cheats on the beatiful wife with a much less attractive homewrecker. Look at Sandra Bullock and Jesse James! What better example?? WTF? I must have missed something here. I just don't see it. All I know is, Arnold really messed up on this one. His career is obviously going to be over and now he's old (and still not very good looking). The chances of him reliving his Terminator days are slim to none. Now he's just going to have to retreat with his tail between his legs, without even so much as an "I'll be back," because sadly (actually, not so sadly), he probably won't.

Hasta la vista, baby.

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Tiger, Tiger Woods, y'all! Image found here
Mistress #2 glamour shot discovered here
Baby Mama Drama featured here
Creepy Elsa Patton voici

Helloooooo, Thirty!

 It's a Celebration, Bitches!

IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!!!!!

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This post is dedicated solely to me. It's MY day. If you don't like it, piss off.

Happy Birthday to Me!!

I think I deserve a little shout out for making it to 30 without having ever been impregnated OR overdosing.

Whichever you think is more of an accomplishment.

Today, we celebrate. All day. No excuses.

Ta-Ta, Twenties.

So, in case you missed the memo, tomorrow is my birthday. My THIRTIETH birthday. I'm not really having the pre-birthday jitters. There's no third-of-the-way-through-life crisis to be had over here; in all actuality, I don't feel all that different. I guess as you get older, birthdays really do become just another day. I mean, I guess I'm looking forward to it...I'm definitely looking forward to the party part of it...but the getting older part, I could probably do without. Still, there's that little part of me (that apparently never grew up) that is looking forward to my special day - the one day a year where everyone puts up with all of my shit and is super nice and complimentary and tells me how pretty I look and gives me presents...all just because I was born on that day! It's a pretty sweet concept, you know? Truth be told, I love the idea of birthdays and everyone having a special day to celebrate themselves. I'm already daydreaming about the amazing, wonderful delights that I no doubt have in store for me tomorrow because not only is it my special day, but it's my THIRTIETH special day...IN LIFE! I've already informed the hubs (he's such a good sport) that it's time for us to synchronize our cell phone clocks so when our IT'S BECKS' BIRTHDAY! alarms go off at midnight, they go off at exactly the same time. How else will he be readily available to place the birthday girl diamond-studded tiara on my head the minute it turns my birthday, à la Lily, on How I Met Your Mother?? That girl really has the right idea on how to celebrate a birthday. So, instead of waxing poetic about how much I'm going to miss my twenties and all the things I've accomplished thus far and hope to accomplish in the future, I'll just leave you a visual so you can feel like you're there with me (and the hubs) at the stroke of midnight. My fingers are crossed for the Spanish guitar player and breakfast in bed. Well...maybe not the breakfast in bed part. I have enough trouble getting to work on time as it is (Um...hello...a girl has to look her best, right?). Until tomorrow, my dearies. I'll catch you in my thirties. xo

HIMYM clip found here because our stupid Websense blocks YouTube at work. Hmph.