Can't Get Enough Weiner!

Hahaha! At the sake of sounding redundant, I would like to revisit Weinergate. Humor me. This is my newest obsession (besides Casey Anthony, but that's a whole 'nother side of deviance). I have been poring over the New York Post, getting all of the latest and greatest dirt on the big weiner, Weiner...and I do it all for you. I found an amazing wealth of hilarity and decided I MUST share.*

I have to say - I am enamored with the thoroughness of the reporting on the NY Post - this is totally going to be my go-to source for all the good juice.  Basically, the NY Post is launching a full-on attack on Weiner and his indiscretions. It's pretty great; I'll give you the highlights. Let's begin with who Weiner compares himself to:

He told her he was a "caped crusader . . . looking for my sidekick."

"[I'm] dying of boredom over here. Plus my tights really itch, I need a distraction," the hot, bothered -- and very married -- Rep. Anthony Weiner shot off to sexy Vegas blackjack dealer Lisa Weiss in one of more than lewd 220 sexts and Facebook messages between the revved-up pair since Aug. 13.

Hmmm...first off, I'm a little confused as to his reasoning for comparing himself to Batman. That's just weird. Batman saves people's lives - he doesn't badger them with his perversity. Maybe it wasn't specifically Batman, maybe he just likes to wear capes and stuff and fancies himself some sort of superhero. I think that if he had a costume, it would look something like this:**

Okay and I don't know about you . . . but I'm curious as to why his tights itch. Was that supposed to be sexy? That sounds more like a warning, to me. Your tights itch? That's a personal problem that you might want to get checked out. While you're at it, lose my number. I don't want any parts of your itchy crotch. Thanks.

Now let's move on to what this weiner is doing to earn your tax dollars:

"He admitted to "jerking off" to her Facebook photos, said Weiss, 40, a former Democratic Party worker...Weiss told the Web site that most of the duo's sexed-up exchanges occurred during his work hours -- and that Weiner used his office phone for at least some of them. She said they fired back and forth 69 messages during just one sleazy exchange.

Gosh. I sure am glad I pay my taxes. I mean, we all dick around at work sometimes, but this takes gives that phrase a whole new meaning. With all this sexting going on, how did he have time to do anything pertinent to his job as a House Representative? I feel bad for his constituents.

Moving on, how about him offering PR advice to one of his little ladies (pun intended; this chick is an undergrad...and obviously not a lady) No, really.

As the crotch-shot scandal exploded around him, panicking Rep. Anthony Weiner coached a porn star pal to lie about their sexually-charged online relationship, even offering professional PR advice, it was reported Tuesday..."Do you need to talk to a professional PR type person to give u advice?," Weiner emailed Lee on June 2, according to the gossip website TMZ.com. "I can have someone on my team call. [Yeah, my team is doing great. Ugh]."

Um...I feel like he should have listened to his own advice. I'm pretty sure the first basic rules of PR when addressing a catastrophe of epic proportions and attempting to do damage control are:

1. Address/admit to the problem. 
2. Apologize profusely. 
3. Explain what you will do to fix it or make it better. 
4. End of conversation.

None of this crying and moaning and personal pouty pity party in front of the nation. Oh, poor you. Your PR guys botched the job, eh? You feel like shit (because you got caught) but don't plan to resign, huh? We'll see how that works out for you.

Next, let's discuss what was said. Here's a gander at a FB message exchange.

Talking Dirty

March 16 Facebook message exchange with middle-aged Nevada Democratic volunteer Lisa Weiss:

WEINER: ridiculous bulge in my shorts now. wanna see?

WEISS: Yea! can u send a pic? I want to sit on your c- -k so bad right now.

WEINER: jeez, im rushing. let me take a quick pic

WEISS: awesome . . . how do I get it? right on here?

WEISS: how r u gonna go to work with a raging hard on?

WEINER: it wont go away. and now im taking pics of it, making me harder still

WEISS: so hot! u are making me wet again.

WEINER: jeez, i have to go. ill hit you later

WEINER: off to the shower. this thing is bobbing up and down

WEISS: aahhh . . . wish I was in the shower with you to help

WEINER: you give good head?

WEISS: Ive been told really good . . . and i love doing it

WEINER: wow a jewish girl who sucks [bleep]. this thing is ready to do damage

...yeah. These messages are real. Real ridiculous, that is. Bahahaha! "This thing is ready to do damage." This thing? What thing do you speak of? Your weiner, or this conversation? What an idiot. He didn't learn from Arnold or Tiger? Women don't keep secrets well. At all. You can pretty much guarantee that any woman is going to tell at least one other person. I guess in situations like this, you just have to cross your fingers and pray that the one person she does tell is not a member of the news media.

...and now,  for the Grand Weiner Finale...(drumroll please)...LET'S SEE THAT INFAMOUS CROTCH SHOT!

Haha! Talk about the battle of the bulge. I guess I'm not as impressed as Breitbart was, so I'll refrain from comment. However, this picture again begs the questions - how could Breitbart confirm that the picture was indeed of Weiner? I mean, it's obviously a picture of a weiner, but how do we know it was Weiner's weiner? Inquiring minds would like to know.

In closing, Representative Weiner, I salute you. I like that you're an equal opportunity pervert and unlike Tiger, there was a bit of diversity within your bevy of bitches. That aside, I'm pretty sure you're going to go down in the books as the biggest weiner in history. Good for you! Now go put your cape on and start saving some people; you caped crusader, you. *wink wink*

*All excerpts and images taken from http://www.newyorkpost.com/
**Special thanks to SNL's Ambiguously Gay Duo for the inspiration behind the image on the Weiner Crusader's costume
***Triple thanks to Christian Bale for being the hottest Caped Crusader...ever.