Extreme Grouponing

Okay - I'm just going to go ahead and jump right into today's post. This one is at the suggestion of one of my friends who also happens to be a Princess. In lieu of Royal Wedding coverage (which I refuse to do - surely you all got your fix from somewhere by now...although I would like to do a fashion police post on all of the finery...maybe tomorrow), I thought I would go ahead and humor her. Plus, it's pretty interesting.

Click here for some light reading...

For those of you who hate reading and/or following instructions, here's the a brief excerpt that pretty much summarizes the article in a nutshell.

"[Groupon's] website said late Thursday that it will pull its ads from the website of Donald Trump's television show 'The Apprentice' to distance itself from the 'political criticism' swirling around Trump and his presidential ambitions...enough consumers have contacted us to warrant ensuring that we don't place ads on the 'Apprentice' homepage in the future...It's the same reason we don't run deals on guns or abortion ... this isn't a political statement, it's avoiding intentionally upsetting a segment of our customers."

I have mixed emotions about this announcement.

First, can I say - I'm so glad that [most] Americans have a social conscience and refuse to validate The Douchebag Donald's ridiculous ranting and raving. The people have spoken! Good for you, America. Way to stick it to the man.

That said, I am a little confused over the statement that Groupon released. It's a little ridiculous, no? The same reason they don't "run deals on guns or abortion"?? Really?! Hmmmm...so, if they didn't think that a "segment of [their] customers" would be upset, Groupon would, indeed, offer delectable discounts on abortions (only in the 1st and 2nd trimesters; sheesh, they're not murderers) and AK-47's? I can just see the deals of the day now...

50% off of IUDs at your local county clinic!

Buy one automatic machine gun, get 3 magazines of bullets free! (must be 18+ years of age)

BOGO! Buy one abortion at regular price and get the second for FREE! (some exclusions may apply)

Not only was that a ridiculous statement, but it's incongruous; apples and oranges, people. Methinks the PR Department at Groupon needs to learn how to write a press release. It's not like they were offering deals on hotel stays at the various Trump hotels. They were paying for commercial time. So, in all actuality, it's more like how they don't run ads in monthly NRA publications, or at the local Planned Parenthoods. Right? I'm gonna go ahead and put it all out there: if that's the best official statement you could come up with to make youself seem ambivalent to this recent wave of political guerilla warfare bullshit diversion tactics <pregnant pause - if only Groupon had one of those abortion discounts right about now> you should probably expect that people are going to see right through that smoke screen.

C'mon, Groupon. You don't have to lie. Your entire staff probably consists of Generation X and Y'ers who all vote the Dem ticket. You know you're siding with Obama. It's ok; I am, too. Your secret's safe with me.

Source

sometimes i hate my blackberry®.

I had a moment today when I hated my Blackberry® - cursed it, even.
Can someone please tell me why I can't turn off the shutter sound on my camera?
'Cause it was really frustrating when the girl in front of me getting off of the elevator at work had a skirt on that was so tight, it rode up her bootylicious backside, causing the giant split in the back to also ride up, exposing her aforementioned bum to the point that I could actually see her underwear...it was white...of the granny variety...and I couldn't take a picture.
What was she thinking?
Couldn't she feel the warm, spring breeze gently tickling her arse?
I'm so bummed. It was a moment worth commemorating.
I need for those folks over at Blackberry® to do a little better. That shutter sound is just plain rude.

Flowers in the Attic

Happy Administrative Professionals' Day to all the Admins out there who have to put up with their boss' bullshit all day, every day. Here's to you - 'cause they probably couldn't function without you. Interestingly, Administrative Professionals' Day is what prompted today's post. At work today, several of the Admins received flowers from their departments as a gesture of appreciation. Nice, right? Well, the sight of those flowers triggered a random [unrelated] memory that I had to share as an example of what not to do when sending flowers to a woman.

"What we gon' do right now is go back...way back...back into time."

Flashback to Valentine's Day, circa...2004? I was at work, minding my own business, when our office receptionist called to inform me that I'd received a package. I eagerly went up front to see what kind of Valentine's goodies awaited me and was promptly rewarded for my efforts when the receptionist handed me my box. All of you ladies know the ProFlowers® box because it's instantly recognizable, right? That long, green box that has the potential to completely brighten your day?

Right. That box. So I happily collected my special delivery and hoofed it back to my desk to see what breathtaking blossoms lay in wait for me within. I ripped the box open in anticipation, revealing a beautiful arrangement of tulips and irises, just waiting to be put on display at my desk.

Side note: Pretty much the only reason a woman wants to receive flowers (besides the fact that they make us feel special and all that other sentimental stuff) at work on occasions like Valentine's Day, birthdays and anniversaries is to put them on conspicuous display so the other women in the office will ask about the source of said flowers, ooh and aaah over the sweetness of such a gift and then be green with envy for the rest of the day whilst comparing their thoughtless significant other with the amazingly romantic source of your flowers. Take note, fellas - your woman will love you so much more for the gesture...and so will the women in her office. Not a bad deal. Okay, back to the story (almost done, I swear).

So I opened the box, revealed the pretty flowers, blah, blah, blah. Gushing, I of course reached for the card to read whatever romantic musings were typed with dedication and care (Chaucer or Tennyson, no doubt). After breezing through the card, I gathered up the box to take to the kitchen and begin the tedious process of trimming stems and arranging the flowers in their accompanying vase . . . at which time I noticed that, to my surprise . . . there was no vase.

Who?
Does?
That?!

For real. Who goes through the motions (because that's obviously what it was in retrospect, a matter of some jerk going through the obligatory motions of sending some crappy flowers on Valentine's Day) of sending flowers...but is too effing cheap to add the vase for $6.99?? Especially when said flowers are ordered on the internet and are delivered in a cardboard box. It's not like you can enjoy flowers from a box. What would I do? Prop the box open on my desk? A good friend equated that box to a flower coffin. No joke. If I'd tried to display my flowers from inside the box, it would be a little bit like a memorial service for my poor flowers. Which would have been fitting, all things considered. Again, hindsight is a bitch. Needless to say, I was disgusted and tossed those half-wilted flowers back to the shitty box they came in and tried to forget about them. (Funny how the description changes, right?)

Unfortunately, it's really hard to forget about flowers when the abovementied nosy ladies in the office ask about the box every time they pass by your desk, exclaiming about the thoughtful delivery, inquiring as to why I they weren't on display for everyone else to enjoy right along with me. Yeah. Try explaining a box full of flowers and no vase to put them in to a bunch of snarky women who were already jealous to begin with. I'm pretty sure that made their day. Kinda takes away from the appeal of having those stupid flowers delivered to me on V-Day, you know? I have to laugh...now.

So, there it is. What shouldn't you do when sending flowers? Be a cheapskate. The end.

Oh Yeah?? At Least He Has His Own Hair. Eat That.

Uh. Canwejusttalkaboutdonaldtrumpforaminute?

C'mon! Look at the difference between the two. Look at the
head of hair on our Head of State! So lustrous and thick.
You mad about that too, Donald? You should be.
You look ridickaluss.*

I know, I know. I said very early on that I wouldn't talk too much about politics and it seems a little bit like it's all I've been talking about lately. But this new development in the apparent war against Obama really has my panties in a bunch. I guess now that The Donald is vying for a Republican nom, he feels it's an appropriate time to start making illegitimate accusations about the President?

Does ANYONE really care about Obama's GPA in high school? I know I don't. I can think of several people who didn't do well in high school, but did very well in college (and vice versa). I'm pretty sure Obama refusing to release his grades is inconsequential. I know I have no desire for people to see my college transcripts; and believe me, I'm no dummy. (I just partied a lot, okay? Don't judge me! And for the record, I now have a 4.0. Redeemed!) That shit is soooo inconsequential; people are not defined by their GPAs. I think it is incredibly transparent that Trump is just looking for some BS to hyperfocus on and direct attention away from the fact that we probably shouldn't entrust the welfare of our nation to someone whose corporation has filed for bankruptcy - what was it, three times? Right. He's obviously the best person to reduce our national debt. He'll just write it all off as a loss and start from scratch! It works like that, right? (Sorry, China. You'll probably never get your money if he's in charge.)**

Furthermore, I'm confident that ivy league schools don't just go around accepting students all willy nilly. I guarantee you, if Obama got in, it was no mistake. He didn't receive an acceptance letter by oversight. If your so-called friends (which I'm "thinking about and looking into" myself, because I find it hard to believe that he has very many friends) have such amazing sons with such academic excellence (and the proper breeding, no doubt) and they didn't get in...there's probably a reason. Seeing as to how birds of a feather typically fly together, I'm going to put it all out there and venture to say that maybe it's because they're douchebags. Just a thought. Additionally, since we're apparently questioning our presidents' educational downfalls - perhaps someone should have questioned the illustrious W's history. Can we see his transcripts and his high school GPA? I've often wondered how he was accepted into Harvard AND Yale. Oh, wait. George. W. Bush! Got it. I would imagine it's very lucky to have a spotless career in academia when your family is at the top of the socioeconomic food chain. No? 'Cause I'm pretty sure nepotism starts at the top. Perhaps Mister Trump missed the memo that just because you're born into wealth, doesn't make you smart; nor does it entitle you to the Presidency. Guess what, DT - poor people are smart sometimes, too. I know it's hard to believe [for people like you]; but it's true.

I think The Douchebag Donald should just get over Obama and focus on something worthwhile. Like...I dunno...Libya? Egypt? Japan? Shit, the Royal Wedding?! I'm certain that I would rather listen to Kate Middleton wax poetic about the color of her wedding dress or what it means to have Diana's ginormous engagement ring on her finger than to listen to DT talk shit about Obama - or anything else, for that matter. Period.

Hey, Donald...you're fired.



__________________________________________________________________________________
*The Obama pic came from here and that priceless little Trump snapshot came from here
**Another China name drop? Damn, it feels like I've been dick riding China these past few days. I'll do my best to refrain for at least a week. I don't want you to get the wrong idea; I'm no Commie.

Apocalypse NOW

What?! Sony's PlayStation Network is down? For the last FIVE DAYS? The world might be ending...at least in my house.

http://techland.time.com/2011/04/25/playstation-network-down-for-fifth-day-as-sony-%E2%80%98rebuilds%E2%80%99-from-%E2%80%98intrusion%E2%80%99/

Whuck?! How have I not heard about this?? I would think that my husband would have organized some sort of coup by now to overtake Sony's operations and get things back on track, posthaste. How has there not been mass exodus as couch potatoes everywhere realize they temporarily cannot play other [worldwide] nerds (sorry, babe) gamers on COD2, or the new Mortal Kombat?? Seriously...I'm sleeping with one eye open until Sony gets this issue resolved. The hubs might snap and smother me in my sleep if he and his friends can't have their fun shooting and blowing each other up, or pretending to be Michael Jordan in the virtual world.

I'm scared. Hold me.

...if I disappear, you know what happened. Call the police. Please.

Gitmo Got Mo’ Civilians than Terrorists

Well, I’m about halfway into my morning, and I came across an interesting article about Guantanamo Bay. Apparently, 1/5 of the inmates being held at Gitmo were arbitrarily imprisoned and cannot be directly linked to terrorism, or any enemy combatants, for that matter (thanks, wikileaks).

Really, America? (Hold onto your hats, kids. This is about to get really wordy.)

I can’t say that I’m surprised. We all had to know that there was some fishy business going on down there in Cuba, right? Why else would the prison be located in a place that Americans are not permitted to visit? Due to bans on trade and poor relations with Fidel Commie Badass Castro, you would think that Cuba would be the last place to house a US detention facility…but I digress. I have to say – I’m not surprised in the least. America has a history [albeit a quiet, little-known one] of concentration internment camps for when the going gets tough.

Uh-oh. Did I just lose some of you? It’s true; I swear. I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried. Don’t worry; this isn’t going to turn into some conspiracy theory blog. I just think it’s important to educate our society about the real history of America, with all of its blemishes, witch hunts and dirty little secrets. Otherwise, how will our future children learn from our mistakes (and our parents mistakes, and their parents mistakes, and so on and so forth)? Now, where was I? Oh, yes. Concentration Internment camps. Yeah. We had ‘em. Here in the good ol’ U.S. of A. Not something you hear about too often, but true, nonetheless.

During WWII, American concentration internment camps were pretty much the new black. You know how the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor in 1941? Well, much like the Twin Towers nightmare in 2001, that bombing induced a state of mass hysteria, which ultimately led to a rabid focus on Japanese-Americans. Yeah. You read right. Japanese-AMERICANS. People of Japanese descent living in America. American citizens, even. So FDR signed Executive Order 9066 and about 120,000 people of Japanese descent were forced from their homes and normal lives and shipped off to concentration internment camps. More than 2/3 of the prisoners internees were American citizens; 1/2 of them were children. Riddle me this: exactly how would children act as government spies? I'm just curious. Special training, like with the Olympics? If that’s the case, the Chinese could potentially have a whole gang of diminutive spies. After watching the opening games in Beijing, I’m pretty sure they might be the only ones who could orchestrate an army of in-tempo, drum-beating, awe-inspiring, awesome, little brainiac children with amazing attention spans and the courage of ten full-grown lions. None of those that were imprisoned detained were convicted of treason. In fact, during the war, a grand total of TEN people were convicted of spying for Japan…they were all Caucasian.

The fun doesn't stop there: there were also German concentration internment camps in the US, which [not so] surprisingly, were filled not only with Nazis and Nazi supporters, but with regular German citizens (who obviously had direct liaisons with Hitler). What’s really interesting is that the Nazi prisoners were often allowed to act as enforcers in these camps, because the Americans appreciated the discipline and order that they instilled amongst the prisoners. Hmmm…I can’t really wrap my mind around that. If they appreciated the “discipline and order” of the Nazis, perhaps they were fighting on the wrong side. This is confusing to me.

…and last, but certainly not least, let’s not forget REX 84, originally established as an answer to the imminent threat of an immigrant invasion from Mexico. Ha! Imminent threat? Immigrant invasion? From Mexico? I’m not holding my breath on this one. I have a feeling I’ll be riding a hoverboard before our immediate neighbor to the south rallies the troops and invades our country. But that’s just me. Proactive, yes? Silly, double [hell] yes. Interestingly, an Executive Order from the Bush/Cheney Administration repurposed these existing facilities to ones that would accommodate any need we might have to detain dissidents and others that might be harmful to the US. Oh yeah, and as a place for Americans to go in a state of emergency.

Ummm…I’ve seen the movies. Martial Law? Nah, I’m gonna go ahead and pass on the government trucks transporting loads of Americans to camps lined with barbed wire “for their protection.” Although, I don’t know about you – but the idea of these camps is kind of a huge relief for me. I often spend my days wondering where dissidents will be sent to their doom. Thanks, guys. That's one less thing to lie awake at night feeling anxious about. I feel a lot safer knowing that I don’t have to worry about it anymore; we have an array of concentration camps waiting to be filled up right here.*** Hurry up and follow through with that Executive Order, Obama! Don’t fret; we’ve got lots of space.


For you naysayers:
Read more about Japanese Internment Camps here.
Read more about REX 84 here.
__________________________________________________________________________________

*In case you missed it, that was sarcasm.

**Fingers crossed that Kim Jong-Il quits dicking around (or just disappears altogether) so I don’t have to worry about being seized in the night. Hmmm…maybe I’d catch a break since I’m only half? Food for thought…

Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen in Her Early Twenties

Okay. It's Monday morning. Again. I woke up feeling less than stellar and had one of those  mornings again. But I'm here. Barely; but here. My brain is definitely not yet fully functioning...so, I was hoping you would humor me for a brief, indulgent post. I'll give you something more substantial later; I promise. But for now...

Can we just talk about LiLo for a minute?? Ahhh, Lindsay, Lindsay, Lindsay. Am I the only one that misses the loveable, freckly little delight from The Parent Trap and even Mean Girls? I had such high hopes for LiLo. I thought she'd turn out something like Dakota Fanning did, all cute and mature and normal...but, alas...it appears as though she's ended up among the ranks of other, [slightly] washed up child stars with a string of bad decisions, rehab stints and misdemeanors to their names.

...and have you seen a picture of the necklace that ignited this latest slew of TMZ LiLo reports?

Source

...seriously? Cute, yes. Worth $2,500? Uh, hardly. Even less worth stealing [while already on probation, no less] and risking a felony misdemeanor theft charge, jail time and community service. Call me crazy...but seeing as to how she ended up with a sentence of 120 days in jail, 480 hours of community service (180 of which have to served in the county MORGUE), and $75,000 bail...she shoulda just bought the damn necklace. You've gotta figure; you have to post at least 10%, right? That comes out to $7,500. Yeah. You're math is right. For the $7,500 it cost her to get out of jail, she could have bought THREE of those necklaces...and sent me one. Am I right?? 

Well, good ol' LiLo obviously disagreed. 'Cause she took it. And then wore it out. And then was photographed wearing it. Really?! Why does she always take pictures wearing her stolen booty? If you remember, Linds had another jewelry incident in 2006 when someone allegedly stole a Hermès Birkin bag full of her jewelry, worth "about $1 million." Oh yeah, and then again in 2009 when some $500K worth of Dior diamonds she wore during a photo shoot went myseteriously missing (low key, i can't blame her; j'adore Dior, aussi). And let us not forget the $11,000 mink coat she "accidentally" took from Manhattan night club, and the $35,000 Rolex she may or may not have stolen from a "friend" in 2010.

Hmmm...I'm beginning to notice a trend here. Perhaps people should monitor their jewels a little bit closer when Sticky Fingaz Lohan is in the room. I'm just saying, I think Louis Vuitton has the right idea; I'd refuse to work with her, too. Maybe she thinks that since she's a "star" that she is entitled to amazing swag from people...even if it's unbeknownst to the owner. That would be a pretty sweet deal. If that were the case...but it isn't. Sorry, Linds. I don't think you're as big a star as you would like to think. If you were, you probably wouldn't resort to stealing stuff in order to be fabulous for the paparazzi.

Holy Hoarding!

Today would typically be referred to as Good Friday, because today's the day that Christians commemorate the crucifixion of Jesus...and hopefully I won't burst into flames for writing this, but...I'd say today is actually Great Friday...because I have a half day at work! Too much? Well, Happy Good Friday to those of you who do celebrate, Happy Great Friday to those of you who got the day off or get to duck out early and a plain ol' Happy Friday to my heathen friends out there. Haha! Okay, I'll move on.

You can thank my good friend Shy (you remember, the one who sends me all the shit I can never wipe from my brain, no matter how many times I deep scrub it with bleach) for this morning's blog. I awoke this morning to an email from her, with nothing but the following link (You should definitely click it; there aren't enough crib notes in the world for what you're about to see...but please be warned...it's a lot. You're probably going to wish you didn't. But it's one of those train wrecks you can't help but to look at. I can't promise that you'll be able to forget it. But you should totally take the risk.):

http://swamplot.com/inside-the-messiest-apartment-in-houston-ever/2008-09-23/

For those of you too scared to access the link, I'll share some of the photo highlights with you. Basically, these are photos taken from a local apartment here in H-Town. The tenant stopped paying her rent and was MIA for over a month. The bookkeeper went in to leave a note and found this:

I'm not sure if you were as disgusted by this dump as I was...but if you weren't, I feel sorry for your mother. You're probably a disgusting slob, too. What's so funny is that this apartment is listed as the "messiest apartment in Houston." Uh. Messy? This isn't messy. This looks like a landfill. I'm not even sure what to think about this. Do you think the person who lived here is actually a hoarder? Like a legit hoarder? If so, they must be some sort of food hoarder. I mean, honestly. How much Whataburger can one person consume in a lifetime? I guess a lot when they mix it up with Domino's and Quiznos and Mickey D's. How much do you think this person weighs? WHAT DID IT SMELL LIKE IN THERE? I seriously gagged at least 3 times when I saw this...and then 2 more times wondering about the smell. I understand some people are terribly OCD and can't get rid of things...but this is just a whole 'nother level. The cigarette butts? This person must have smoked at least 3 packs a day. Consistently. If you actually went to the link, you saw the giant burn mark on the arm of the sofa. Oooo wee! What's up with that? What's up with that? And none of the ciggies seem to be burnt all the way down. It appears as though this woman (and I don't know about you, but I'm picturing someone along the lines of Gilbert Grape's mama who probably doesn't bother to clean inside the folds, much less her own abode) lit one cigarette, smoked it for a bit, put it out on the arm of the sofa, then lit a new cigarette. This is beyond disgusting. I'm sorry, I just had to share. People shouldn't have to deal with seeing things like this alone. I would imagine that's why Shy always sends me the links. She knows my morbid curiosity will not let me ignore the link. I have to see what was so worthy of passing on. Which is why I have some really crazy images burned into my memory FOREVER. So, thanks for that, Shy. And now you readers have me to thank. Good luck bleaching your brains. It doesn't work for me.

On that note - enjoy your Friday! I may be back later with more juicy goodness...but don't get your hopes up. I'm probably going to be celebrating this Great Friday with some spirits (not of the holy nature - I'm saving all that jazz for Easter).

*All photos courtesy of the swamplot link shown above. And what a swamplot this dump was. Blech.

Crying for Columbine

Um...has everyone else already heard about the latest and greatest "possible act of domestic terrorism" to come out of Columbine? Hurry up and read about it here so we can discuss! I'll give you some time to catch up on the reading...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Here's some crib notes [taken from the abovementioned article] for my non-reader readers (which, for the record, if you really don't like to read, I honestly don't even know why you read my blog):

"Firefighters discovered the bomb and two propane tanks Wednesday near the food court after a small fire broke out. No one was hurt. Wednesday was the 12th anniversary of the notorious slayings in which two students killed 13 people before turning their guns on themselves. Unexploded pipe bombs strapped to propane tanks were also found at the school in the aftermath of the shooting. 'The fact that has happened on April 20, 12 years later, near the school with similar devices is very disturbing,' said Jefferson County Sheriff spokeswoman..."

...after a "small fire broke out"? Holy Bejeezus! How lucky that the "small" fire didn't turn into a massive, explosive, nightmare. Just how close was the fire to the propane tanks? Aren't pipe bombs super volatile? This story seriously gives me angina.

Okay. I'm curious: WTF is going on over there in Colorado? I thought everyone there was like, granola-eating, Kashi-loving, birkenstock-wearing, mountain-climbing, prius-driving, health-nut yuppies! No? All jokes aside, when you look at the demographics for Columbine, it appears to pretty much be the perfect neighborhood. It's like Pleasantville, or something. (A little too perfect, if you ask me. It's kinda creepy. Which, in this context, I suppose makes perfect sense. Ugh. Digressing again. See how quickly that happens? Stupid ADD.) The average income is over $77K, for Pete's sake!* Over 75% of their population works a white collar job, over half the population is married, and the average household net worth is over $700K. At first glance...Columbine might be heaven. Or at least just a little, golden, yuppie-filled piece of it. Why does shit like this keep happening to such a [seemingly] solid community?

...and did you see the picture of the person of interest???

Photo courtesy of the FBI

What the shit, gramps?! I thought grandpas were supposed to wear cardigans and smoke pipes and play golf and drink scotch and tell you stories about when they were young and had to walk uphill to and from school in blizzards and stuff like that! I'm pretty sure casually dropping off pipe bombs and blowing up shopping malls are not on the list of common characteristics of grandfathers. What could have possibly possessed this evil old'un to do something like this? Are the two incidents related? Was this some sort of revenge mission because gramps is still mourning the loss of someone from the massacre twelve years ago? If so, why wait twelve years? Is there some sort of significance there? Did he buy his bombing supplies at Target? That looks an awful lot like a Target bag. You'd think people who would do something like this would shop at Wal-Mart. Right? I mean, let's face it. we've all seen http://www.peopleofwalmart.com/. Nobody shops at Wally World except for weirdos, poor people and creepy transvestites and/or crossdressers [some of them with mullets] who do all of their shopping late at night in really short cutoff shorts or some WT equivalent of. And speaking of his shopping bag, doesn't it look a little small for pipe bombs and propane tanks and such? I'm not quite sure what other supplies are needed for bombing, but it seems like it would require more than a regular-sized shopping bag would hold. Right?

Well, I guess that's all I have to say about that. I sure hope they find this tool box soon. Because he's old. And doesn't deserve to draw social security after pulling such a stunt. And needs to be interrogated so shit like this doesn't keep happening. Besides, I would really appreciate an answer to at least a few of my questions. Hey, inquiring minds want to know...until they DO catch the sonofabitch, I'm not Bowling for Columbine...I'm crying for them.


*Does anybody know who in the hell Pete is, anyway? Why are people always talking about his sake? I pored over my memory files (where thoughts go to die, remember?), and I can't honestly think of anyone imortant in our country's history named Pete, or ever Peter, for that matter. Except for Pete Sampras. Oh yeah, and Peter Gabriel (C'mon, who doesn't like Genesis?!). So I would like to know how Pete made it to the phrase and why everyone is concerned with his sake. Accepting explanations now. Thanks.

Yessssssssss!

Apparently, models have stretch marks, too. There's hope for us regular women, yet!

<celebratory jig>

...not by the hair of my twinny twin twin.

Good morning! Happy Hump Day to all my nine-to-fivers out there…and Happy 420 to all my ganja lovers – please remember to puff, puff, and then, most importantly, pass. It’s a karma thing. I’m looking out for you. Moving on, it feels like it’s been awhile since I gave you a commentary with any real substance. Please accept this morning’s post as my proverbial olive branch…

You know, living in Houston has really made me much more jaded than any other city I’ve had the pleasure of living in. With a population of over 6 million, you can imagine that the crime rate here is quite impressive (or actually unimpressive, when you think of what that really means, but I digress). Every day, I hear news stories that remind me just how scary the world can be and how fortunate I am. But ever so often, I come across a story that really makes me question how some people can be so...deviant. 

This is one of those stories.

For those of you who have already puffed this morning and would prefer the crib notes to the article, here goes: Houston police discovered that these gross, PWT 48 year-old twin creepers lived with their dead mother’s body for three months.  No, really. THREE MONTHS. Their version of the story is that ol’ naggin’ ass moms came in hootin’ and hollerin’ during the BCS Championship game and somehow slipped and fell. Well, they were obviously preoccupied (Hello, the game was on!), so they just left her there. In fact, even after the game (and assessing the situation, no doubt), they left her there since they didn’t have any money for medical care. I guess they figured she’d eventually heal herself by osmosis. To make a long story longer, the boys left her lying [still alive] on the floor for four days without food or water. But obviously only because she didn’t speak up and ask for any, although she was conscious for the first day. She finally gave out on the fourth day. And get this – they remembered the exact date because it was a day after her 89^th birthday. What a fist in the ass. Happy effing birthday, mommy dearest! Would you just die already? The icing on the cake was that they decided not to involve the authorities after her passing…because they didn’t have the money to bury her. The police eventually found the body after the neighbors called because they hadn’t seen the poor little old woman in months. I think a visual would be appropriate now, don’t you? You have to be dying (no pun intended) to see what these bottom feeders look like (excluding poor mommy in the middle)...

Source

Now, if that didn’t kill your high; you must be on that DEATH (haha, shout out to Katt Williams…and okay, maybe a little pun intended that time). This article begs soooo many questions. WHY was her body found with no underpants and her dress hiked up? That might be the most disturbing part. No…I think pretty much all of this story is disturbing. What kind of shitty human beings (if they can be called that…the jury’s still out) could do something like that? To their own mother, no less? My guess is that poor lil’ Sybil just laid there in the hopes that God would end her suffering. What a nightmare it must have been to live with her demonic offspring. I mean, look at them. Hygiene obviously isn’t high on their list of priorities. Again, I have to wonder what it smelled like in there…before AND after the fact. Additionally, I find it extremely difficult to believe that Mama Dukes “slipped and fell.” Slipped on what? A banana peel? (O’Doyle RULES!*) In the middle of the living room? Doubtful. I don’t guess that this house was the cleanest…but what could have been on the floor to instigate such a fall?

Oddly, this story reminds me of Wedding Crashers, and Will Ferrell’s character who lives in the basement and is forever shouting at his Ma to bring him some meatloaf. You know the scene: “Hey, Ma! Can we get some meatloaf?! Hey, Ma! The meatloaf! We want it now! The meatloaf! What is she doing? I never know what she is doing back there. Ma! The meatloaf! Fuck!” Bahahaha I shouldn't compare the two and make light of the situation…but I just can’t help it. I could totally see doucheserious** Chaz Reinhold leaving his poor mother dying on the floor whilst he goes trolling for hoes at the nearest funeral.

On that note, I’ll leave you with a bit of wisdom. For all of you parents out there, this story is exhibit A as to why you should encourage your children to leave the nest. As soon as possible. Because they just might leave you dying on the living room floor with all of your religion showing. For those of you who do not yet have children…maybe you should just keep on keepin’ on…because there is no guarantee that they will ever leave…and they just might leave you dying on the living room floor with all of your religion showing.

*Thanks to Billy Madison for being one of the greatest movies EVER and providing so many quoteables

**Thanks to Taryn for coining this phrase. I use it all the time. Haha!

asphinctersayswhat?!*

Whew! I can’t tell you what a relief it is to be done with my paper. Well, I call it a paper, but in actuality, it was a midterm exam consisting of a15-page-minimum essay, complete with footnotes and bibliography, worth 40% of our final grade. Talk about pressure! But I muddled through it, relatively unscathed (even though I procrastinated until the night before it was due). In fact, I got my score back yesterday and I made a 100% and got some pretty amazing feedback from my prof (I’m patting myself on the back as I type this)!

<Insert celebratory dance here>

Anyway, while writing the paper, I had a question about the way the professor wanted it formatted, so I posted my question on the message board and patiently awaited a response:

Much to my surprise (or maybe chagrin, or maybe amusement), instead of a quick response from my prof, one of my brilliant peers took it upon herself to grace me with an answer. I just had to share this little gem of geniusness (totally not a word, but apropos, nonetheless):

Wait, what? If you’re anything like me, you probably had to go back and read that at least one more time.

Gee thanks, Kim. I am so glad that you decided to "reply my question as your favor.” Do me another favor; keep YOUR favors to yourself. By the looks of your response, you are just the person who I should be taking writing advice from! Your sentence structure is impeccable and your grammar and spelling are noteworthy. I especially liked the part where you told me to pay attention, because the 2 periods to be continued. Oh, not to mention the extra space you so generously left in between all words followed by any form of punctuation. Right. I hate to break it to you, Kim…but sadly, I am NOT interested in your answer. Frankly, I don’t give a shit what you do with your thesis statement. You are quite possibly the last person who needs to be volunteering answers/advice on the message board. Thanks, anyway.

With that, I leave you the word of the day:

*ə Ÿ sphinc Ÿ ter Ÿsays Ÿ what |  [uh-sfingk-ter-sez-wuht]

-idiom

1. A word used to make someone else look like a prat or sphincter.

Origin:

Most famously used by the legend Mike Myers in the film Wayne's World.

After the Club, It's the After Party and After the Party, It's the Hotel Lobby and After the Belve, Then It's Prob'ly Cris' and After the Original, It's Probably This: SIESTA!

Okay, so I know I'm a little late on this. Hopefully you'll forgive me, since I was working on that godforsaken paper (which I finished, incidentally). Moving right along...

Source

Hahahahahaha! I love it. Look at him! He looks so peaceful. I just think it's soooo funny that everyone is making such a big deal about this whole "napping during the budget speech" situation. Who cares? The man is almost 70; maybe he just needed a little snooze. If you're so concerned about him nodding off for less than a minute...I bet you're glad McCain wasn't elected, eh? At his age, naps have got to be almost mandatory. No? Not to mention, Obama is certainly a dynamic speaker, but the topic of the budget is pretty much whatever the polar opposite of dynamic would be.

So, what do you think? Do you think he was sleeping, or in deep thought? I honestly think it was more along the deep thought route. He probably just closed his eyes out of sheer frustration that we're even still discussing the stupid stinking budget. I know I have. Several times.

Here's what I don't think: I don't think that grand ol' Mike Huckabee (whom you can always depend on for an intelligent sound byte...that's sarcasm, for those of you who haven't picked up on my tones yet) knows what he's talking about (besides the disingenuous part...I'm confident that Huck (which rhymes with _____) is very familiar with disingenuity):

"He was praying that nobody will find out just how disingenuous they are about actually cutting the expenses and hoping and praying that the American people don’t catch on to the games that they’re trying to hoist upon us," Huckabee told the media outlet.

...or maybe he was praying that all of the ridiculous budget cuts that the GOP wanted wouldn't end up totally F'ing America in the A. Just a thought.


*Gotta give credit where credit's due. Thanks to my favorite adolescent loving, golden shower giving, babymaking music making crooner, R to the Kelly for inspiring today's title. Listen to the song here.

the morning after.

I’m fairly certain that I just dozed off at my desk. Nothing too conspicuous, thank goodness, but I’m pretty sure I was asleep. I awoke with a bit of a start when I realized I was staring at my computer screen with a glassed-over, blank stare and my mouth slightly open. Damn. It’s going to be a long day. 



Contrary to popular belief, this is not a picture of me in the morning.
This is the sleep gnome.*
Oddly, he appears to be a cross between a Jawa...and DEATH.
I'm convinced he keeps his shitty sleep sand in his face hole and
hurls it haphazardly at his every whim and fancy. I hate him.



It's mornings like these when I wish that I could Photoshop® my face. That's right. Photoshop® my face. I wouldn’t abuse it; I would only use it on mornings like this one, when I'm so tired that my eyes feel gritty (How the hell does that pesky sleep gnome keep getting into the effing house? Looks like the hubs and I are due for another chat about leaving the door open so any riffraff with a pocket face hole full of sand can just stroll in at their leisure.), and my mood feels surly and I'm lugging giant, heavy, Samsonites® under both of my eyes. Is that asking too much?

Back to the Photoshopping®. Seriously, that would possibly be the coolest thing ever. Sometimes (on mornings like this one), I wake up and look in the mirror (and scare myself, to be quite honest) and wonder if I'll be forced to resort to sorcery or human sacrifice in order to appeal to the gods of conceit to please make me appear *almost* presentable. Makeup is an okay everyday solution to blemishes and a few too many cocktails from the night before…but the amount of makeup that I would need to shellac on my face in order to cover up a yesterday that lasted 22 hours and then finally ended with a measly 2 hours of sleep (remember, I'm not getting any younger and a growing girl needs her beauty sleep) would make my face itch. No joke. Listen, I have sensitive skin. Don’t judge me.

To recap, I would much prefer wizardry with the magic wand, eraser and blending tools that Photoshop® has to offer, over breaking out the grimoire and chanting incantations all morning (those things are so hard to remember sometimes). Trust me, I need it. There isn’t enough MAC® in the world to cover up what I’ve got going on today. So to the technology gurus (who I’m sure are most definitely NOT reading this blog)…MAKE IT HAPPEN. Posthaste.

Okay. Enough play time for me. This girl has got some serious slaving to do in order to finish this godforsaken paper before the DEADline (No wonder they call it a deadline. I don’t think I’ve ever noticed that before today. I wonder what the origin of that word really is?), and I am on a downward spiral of delirium, giggling maniacally at my desk. (The Downward Spiral was a pretty good cd. If you like headbanging. I don’t, but I like Trent Reznor okay. We share a birthday. He can’t be all that bad. For those of you NKOTB fans, I also share a birthday with Jordan Knight. Yup. You’re jealous. I know.) Oh, here I go, off on several delirious tangents…I can always tell when I’m sleep deprived, because I end up with a TON of parenthetical phrases. I guess I have a lot of afterthoughts when I’m sleepy. 

Aargh! Later, peeps. This blog is turning into The Neverending Story. So I’m gonna ride my giant flying dog thing on out of here and I’ll catch you on the other side of this stupid, day-ruining, obnoxiously tedious paper. Pray for me. Or do some incantations, if that’s your thing. Whatever. I can never remember the words and I have the most difficult time finding eye of newt. Shit. I’m doing it again. Maybe it would be better if I just stop typ

_________________________________________________________________________________

*Sleep gnome image courtesy of http://www.geeky-gadgets.com/star-wars-garden-jawas-13-11-2009/

**If you like the sleep gnome more than I do (and/or if you're a Star Wars geek), by all means, take him for yourself. Please. DO IT.
***Totally awesome picture of me and my buddy Falcor is a courtesy of me. The original image was taken from here.

Prejudice. Wrote a Blog About It. Like to Hear It? Here It Goes...

Just when you start to think that the US is the only "progressive" country whose government is taking steps backward...you come across laws like the recently passed burqa ban in France. Wow, France. Really?!  This is a blatant dig at the Muslim community, and I personally am offended...even though I'm not French...or a Muslim. But I am a woman...and I'm offended.

Now the other part of the law about not being able to force a woman to cover her face is fine by me. I think that should be the case across the board and it should be enforced, in fact. Women should only wear veils/burqas/hijabs of their own volition. But to ban veils completely? What in the name of Allah happened to the freedom of religion? Last time I checked, it was 2011.

‘Interior Minister Claude Gueant insisted the ban would be enforced, in the name of "secularism and equality between men and women... two principles upon which we cannot compromise."’

Secularism and equality, huh? I beg to differ. Perhaps he doesn’t know that the spirit of secularism implies a separation between church and state. Additionally, if the government were truly pushing for equality, wouldn't they allow these women to make the “to veil or not to veil” choice on their own? I am not so much a proponent of women's lib, per se (not that I’m against it, obviously). What I am a proponent of is equality and the right to choose. I think that's what's really overlooked too frequently when discussing the "liberation" of women. I'm all for women going out and becoming CEO's of Fortune 500 companies...if that's what they choose to do. I'm also all for women staying home to be mothers or housewives...if that's what they choose to do. Hell, I'm all for women in burqas and bikins...if that's what they choose to do.

  

 There is a very fine line between giving people the freedom to do something and creating laws that make people do something. How can anyone support a law that is supposedly meant to enforce equality, but takes away women’s freedom of choice (and in this case, also their freedom of religion)? This is a sad state of affairs, people.

This law has obvious prejudicial undertones. It sounds like Sarkozy is willing to be a real cooze in order to secure the conservative vote. All in the name of the presidency, right? Vive La France? Psht! Vive La Résistance! If the French government wants to prove its progressiveness and truly free women from these "signs of enslavement" (brilliant quote from Sarkoozy - pun intended), they should lift this ban. Soon. Before everyone else in the world starts to think that ignorant shit like this is okay (like band wagoner Italy).

Click here to educate yourself about the burqa.

Click here to read more about the burqa ban.

Click here to read about the two arrests that occurred yesterday as fallout from the ban.

Click here to read response from actual French Muslim women that are affected by this abomination.

Here is the source for the Gueant quote.

Here is the source for the lovely image seen above.*

*Disclaimer: The image shown in today's post is not intended to mock or disrespect any aspect of the Muslim culture or religion. This is simply a tongue in cheek example of my opinion that women should have the right to choose; I mean no offense.

I'm Taking My Ball and I'm Going Home.

Good morning! Sorry I neglected you over the weekend, but I was super busy doing a whole lot of nothing. No, really. I had every intention of starting my 15 page paper that’s due in 3 days…but I got so preoccupied with being unproductive, that it seemed to slip my mind. Anyway, did you think I’d be able to let this whole “government shut down” thing go without adding my 99 cents? I know people typically say 2 cents…but I happen to think my opinion is more valuable than that. I mean, what can you buy for two cents? Nothing, that’s what.

Moving on…I typically try to avoid talking politics with people, because I find it's rather pointless. Before you overreact, let me explain. In my opinion, a personal political standpoint is a lot like sex - you should never force it on anyone. Too often, people get into long, drawn-out conversations that lead to nothing but frustration. I have no interest in debating politics with anyone, because I am intelligent enough to realize that I'm not going to be able to change anyone's mind about politics, or make them see my way. It is what it is.

That said; let me return to my point. Ah, yes. The government shut down.

Source: Me, Myself and I (created by me, for me)

When did legislation become such a pissing contest? It seems as though the two parties are so intent on not agreeing with each other about anything, that it clearly has slipped their minds that they are elected officials, and the people's interests (not their own) should be the highest priority.

5 Ways Being a Republican in the US Congress These Days is Like Being a Spoiled Child

1.   Every day is a new game of elephants vs. donkeys

2.   They do obnoxious little things just to be bratty (or “prove a point”)

3.   They draw a line on the floor and say "This side is ours; that side is yours. Don't cross the line. For any reason (especially even if it benefits the American people)!"

4.   They have no regard for deadlines (where else can you be months past a deadline in your job and it’s just okay??).

5.   They’re willing to shut down the government if they can’t get their way (effectually taking their ball and going home). Really? Just shut it down, huh? Brilliant! So about 800,000 federal employees would lose their jobs, military personnel wouldn't get paid, national parks would close, people wouldn’t get their tax refund checks...and the country just might fall apart at the seams, causing a mass exodus of epic proportions to occur, but...no big deal. As long as the budget doesn’t include community development funds and government-subsidized healthcare, or educational programs that help low-income children attend private schools. That’s obviously what’s important here.

You know, in the spirit of catering to the GOP's every whim and fancy (not his fault, his hands are tied with that damned system of checks and balances), I think next time the two sides reach an impasse, President Obama should hold a dodgeball competition to come to a resolution. The last team standing wins. End of story. Wouldn't that be great? Pretty sure the younger, more virile Dems would come out victorious. Can’t you just see Nancy Pelosi now, with her 80s day glow sweatband and shiny spandex pants, nailing Eric Cantor with a ball to the head?

Source: http://thrivesports.cc/wp-content/uploads/2010/04/dodgeball-image.jpg

I love it! Team Donkey would definitely need to keep an eye on sleepers like John McCain, though. Let’s be real - if the man can survive in a war prison camp, he can certainly survive a light game of "finish the effing budget, already" dodgeball. All in all, a good idea, I think.

If you agree with my proposal, write to your President here. I think if he gets enough feedback from the American people, he just might make that happen. Maybe we can get this passed before the final budget is approved. Now THAT’S a change we can all believe in.

Source: http://www.americanthinker.com/071103_obama_vmed_8p.widec.jpg

Prologue to the Amendments

I was thinking the other day that I'm really liking this blog thing because it gives me an opportunity to get out all of the random stuff that goes on in my head [almost] every day. The only caveat to this whole process is that I kind of feel as though once it's done, it's done. Once I've blogged something, I've totally committed. That's it; all in. Especially if someone reads it before I can get it just right! I wish that I was one of those people who can write things and then save them as drafts and have a whole little arsenal of diamonds in the rough waiting to be spit-shined for your reading pleasure...but I'm just not one of those people. Alas, the primal need for instant gratification will not allow me to hold on to something long to enough to work out all of the kinks before I [over]share; I just can't do it! Whenever I have these random little thoughts, I'm bursting at the seams to share them with people and get their feedback. There's just something great about sharing a good belly laugh with a friend...or even a stranger.

Okay. I'm digressing again.

The point of this all is that even though I give in and post each blog almost immediately upon completion, the perfectionist in me insists on going back at least once at some point and re-reading. What's annoying (besides the typos) is that I often think of funnier ways to say things, or my original comment might inspire another funny that sets me off in a whole other stream of hilarity...and then I'm disappointed. Why didn't I think of that the first time? So to bring it all full circle, when I was thinking the other day about this new world of blogging, I went through the whole thought process of the few drawbacks and it occurred to me that this is MY world. I do what I want here! In the spirit of independence, much like our Founding Fathers reserved the right for our Federal government, I would like to reserve the right to change my mind and/or to add updates, new ideas and comments. I'm going to call them amendments. I'll make a deal with you. I'll leave all of the original content (with the exception of those blasted random typos) and just add any new things in different color font. I'll even do new amendment posts with links so you won't have to go back and search for it and you still won't miss out on any good stuff.

You know it's good.

Truth is, I'm really just starting to get my sea legs with this whole blogging thing. It's almost like writing a memoir; I think that's why it's so difficult to stick to any one tone. I'll figure it all out, eventually. But having the capacity to expand on ideas and just keep improving the content even after I've already committed makes this seem like a "memoir" with infinite possibilities. And for those of you that know me, I'm an infinite possibilities kind of girl.

Some People Don't Talk That Good...

Believe it or not, I’m actually starting to feel like myself again! It’s nice to rejoin the land of the living. Now that I’m feeling better, methinks it’s time for a grammar lesson! I happen to think that it’s really important to use correct grammar and vocabulary, especially when writing emails or documents for business. Let’s face it: nobody uses perfect English when they speak…and that’s fine…conversationally. But when writing an email to your resident head honcho, you should probably try to sound intelligent (even if you aren’t). I’m just saying…fake it 'til you make it.

So, today’s post is a quick little grammar lesson on common mistakes that make people make that I personally have observed. If you are one of those people that don’t care – more power to you! I’m not judging…but I can’t promise that nobody else will. If you think that you have mastered the commonalities of the English language, perhaps this post isn’t for you. But just like those days in elementary school, please be patient for the students who do need this quick refresher.[1]

Shall we begin? Let’s call this little lesson…

5 Ways to Avoid Making Silly Mistakes That Might Make You Look Dumber Than You Are

1.      To/Two/Too – This one probably seems very basic, but you’d be surprised to know that many people still make this error. This is one example of the English language that I would imagine makes it a very difficult language to learn. These words are called homophones, because they sound alike, but are spelled differently and have different meanings. I would hope that most people at least know enough not to mix “two” up with the other two words ; it’s obviously a numerical value (like how I did that, there?).

A handy way to know which of the other two to use (because they are confused constantly): Sometimes it helps to just eliminate an option. Try to remember that the only meanings of “too” are “also” (I wish you had paid attention in elementary school grammar, too.) and “in excess” (Some people are too ignorant to care if they get it right.). Note the extra O; that will remind you that this word has to do with adding more on to something.

2.      Your/You’re – I have to admit; this one gets me. You’d think that since one of the words is obviously a contraction, people wouldn’t easily confuse the two.

Here’s an easy tip: “You’re” is always a contraction of “you are.” Anytime you write “you’re,” if you substitute “you are,” and it sounds stupid…you used the wrong word, stupid! Haha okay, okay…you aren’t stupid; you're confused. You just need to use the word “your,” instead (see how I tied that all together for you?).

If you haven’t noticed by now, I’m really liking these contextual examples. Okay, moving on…

3.      Its/It’s – Oh, man. This one is another big pet peeve of mine. See #2. Substitute “it is” or “it has” anytime you want to use “it’s.” If it doesn’t fit, you don’t know how to speak English (and you’re using the wrong word). Okay, calm down. That was a little harsh. I'm sure you speak English very well. I know you want to add that sneaky little apostrophe because you’re speaking in the possessive…but in this case…DON’T. “Its” is a possessive pronoun. Possessive pronouns such as hers, his and ours do not require an apostrophe to indicate possession. It’s really annoying to see people insist on the apostrophe. “Its” indicates possession on its own. Stop it; it looks dumb.

It’s almost recess time – don’t get antsy yet! To mix it up, the last two examples will be common phrases that people use incorrectly.

4.      IRregardless – I hate to break it to you, but this is not a real word. Just because you hear people say it – doesn’t make it so. I’m sorry. I know you’ve grown accustomed to using it, but you’re going to have to stop now if you would like to appear intelligent. It’s really not that difficult a concept when you think about it [logically]. “Regardless” means without regard, right? I’m pretty sure you don’t need that bonus prefix at the beginning to say what you mean. Think of it as a double negative (because, for all intents and purposes, it is); you know to avoid those, right? I'll save that for another time. Irregardless” is not a real word, regardless of what you may believe.

And last, but certainly not the least abused – and possibly the one that bugs me the MOST (drum roll, please)…

5.      All of the sudden – Okay, wait. What? All of THE sudden? What is THE sudden?[2] Why is it so specific? Is it the only sudden? How did you get all of it? This phrase doesn’t even make any effing sense! It’s an idiom; you can’t just change it to your liking at every whim. If you are one of the offenders in this case, no need to hang your head in shame – you definitely are not the only one. But admitting that you have a problem is the first step. Now you just need to take the appropriate action. Let me break it down for you: “all of a sudden” is an idiom, meant to imply that something happened quickly or suddenly (imagine that). There is no “all of the sudden” because that phrase would imply that there was a sudden…and you would like all of it. For example, let's look at the following sentences - All of a sudden you begin to see the light. All of the sudden you begin to see the light. The first sentence can be interpreted as Suddenly, you begin to see the light. The second sentence can't really be interpreted. Now, see how that all makes sense? 

Well, I hope that I didn’t bore anyone too much and that my little helpful hints have you all on your way to success. I can’t guarantee that you will be successful; I can’t speak to your intelligence. However, I can guarantee that the tips that I’ve listed are valid; how you choose to apply them is up to you. My work here is done.

Class dismissed.

---

[1] For a really great grammar reference, I would suggest checking out Grammar Girl’s blog for quick and dirty tips. She breaks things down and makes them funny and easy to understand. Happy Learning!

[2] Side note: That just reminded me of the chorus from “Bills, Bills, Bills” (the Destiny Child song), when Beyonce sings “Can you pay my bills? Can you pay my telephone bills? Can you pay my automo bills?” Wait. Pay my automo bill? WTF is an automo?? I’ve never even heard of an automo; is it foreign? Is it an appliance? A new type of credit card? What else would require a bill?*


*For the record, I know what she was getting at. It just makes me laugh every time.