Flowers in the Attic

Happy Administrative Professionals' Day to all the Admins out there who have to put up with their boss' bullshit all day, every day. Here's to you - 'cause they probably couldn't function without you. Interestingly, Administrative Professionals' Day is what prompted today's post. At work today, several of the Admins received flowers from their departments as a gesture of appreciation. Nice, right? Well, the sight of those flowers triggered a random [unrelated] memory that I had to share as an example of what not to do when sending flowers to a woman.

"What we gon' do right now is go back...way back...back into time."

Flashback to Valentine's Day, circa...2004? I was at work, minding my own business, when our office receptionist called to inform me that I'd received a package. I eagerly went up front to see what kind of Valentine's goodies awaited me and was promptly rewarded for my efforts when the receptionist handed me my box. All of you ladies know the ProFlowers® box because it's instantly recognizable, right? That long, green box that has the potential to completely brighten your day?

Right. That box. So I happily collected my special delivery and hoofed it back to my desk to see what breathtaking blossoms lay in wait for me within. I ripped the box open in anticipation, revealing a beautiful arrangement of tulips and irises, just waiting to be put on display at my desk.

Side note: Pretty much the only reason a woman wants to receive flowers (besides the fact that they make us feel special and all that other sentimental stuff) at work on occasions like Valentine's Day, birthdays and anniversaries is to put them on conspicuous display so the other women in the office will ask about the source of said flowers, ooh and aaah over the sweetness of such a gift and then be green with envy for the rest of the day whilst comparing their thoughtless significant other with the amazingly romantic source of your flowers. Take note, fellas - your woman will love you so much more for the gesture...and so will the women in her office. Not a bad deal. Okay, back to the story (almost done, I swear).

So I opened the box, revealed the pretty flowers, blah, blah, blah. Gushing, I of course reached for the card to read whatever romantic musings were typed with dedication and care (Chaucer or Tennyson, no doubt). After breezing through the card, I gathered up the box to take to the kitchen and begin the tedious process of trimming stems and arranging the flowers in their accompanying vase . . . at which time I noticed that, to my surprise . . . there was no vase.

Who?
Does?
That?!

For real. Who goes through the motions (because that's obviously what it was in retrospect, a matter of some jerk going through the obligatory motions of sending some crappy flowers on Valentine's Day) of sending flowers...but is too effing cheap to add the vase for $6.99?? Especially when said flowers are ordered on the internet and are delivered in a cardboard box. It's not like you can enjoy flowers from a box. What would I do? Prop the box open on my desk? A good friend equated that box to a flower coffin. No joke. If I'd tried to display my flowers from inside the box, it would be a little bit like a memorial service for my poor flowers. Which would have been fitting, all things considered. Again, hindsight is a bitch. Needless to say, I was disgusted and tossed those half-wilted flowers back to the shitty box they came in and tried to forget about them. (Funny how the description changes, right?)

Unfortunately, it's really hard to forget about flowers when the abovementied nosy ladies in the office ask about the box every time they pass by your desk, exclaiming about the thoughtful delivery, inquiring as to why I they weren't on display for everyone else to enjoy right along with me. Yeah. Try explaining a box full of flowers and no vase to put them in to a bunch of snarky women who were already jealous to begin with. I'm pretty sure that made their day. Kinda takes away from the appeal of having those stupid flowers delivered to me on V-Day, you know? I have to laugh...now.

So, there it is. What shouldn't you do when sending flowers? Be a cheapskate. The end.