Toto, I Don't Think We're at the Ritz Anymore...

As I mentioned before, I love staying in hotels. It's such a great escape from the monotony of every day life. You can leave all of the lights on as long as you want, run the water as long as you want (as long as you're not concerned with the environment, that is), set the A/C to the arctic freeze setting, room service, housekeeping, spa...what's not to like? What's funny to me is how standards change as you get older. When I was in college, I would stay in pretty much any kind of halfway-decent hotel. Now that I’m a grown up…my taste has become a tad bit more discriminating, to say the least. I’m not saying I always have to stay at a four star/diamond hotel…but I would, if I could. Not because I’m a complete hotel snob (although I do absolutely draw the line at hotels with outdoor entry; I’m convinced that those are actually motels), per se...but those places really are nicer. It isn’t just me. I mean, for those of you who haven’t stayed at the Ritz, Loewe’s, Waldorf-Astoria, or some equivalent hotel…you should. It’s almost worth the exorbitant amount of money.

There are a few key differences that I noticed during my last business trip. So that you indeed DO know what you’re missing, I have created a handy, dandy reference sheet:

5 Ways to Know That You Are NOT at the Ritz:

1.   The carpet has a curious, technicolor pattern, reminiscent of the 70's...or a cheap Vegas hotel...or a tacky cruise ship.

2.   Instead of a $10 bottle of Evian/Fiji, there is a free bottle of generic water - not necessarily a bad thing.

3.   The guest robe is dusty.

4.   You have to call housekeeping to please come change your sheets because the current sheets on your bed are suspiciously not tucked in at one corner (as if mussed during sleep by the previous guest, who must have been a wild sleeper).

5.   Instead of charging you for wireless internet, they charge you (or your company) $10-15 for internet...and then nonchalantly explain that you'll have to plug the provided ETHERNET CABLE into your laptop. I mean, really? Who still actually has to plug in to use the internet (besides my parents)??

There. Now if you are traveling and your hotel meets the above criteria…nope, it’s definitely NOT the Ritz, or any other “luxury” hotel. Perhaps you should click your heels together three times in hopes that you’ll end up in a hotel with gilded faucets and water pressure above a gentle stream...good luck with that.