...not by the hair of my twinny twin twin.

Good morning! Happy Hump Day to all my nine-to-fivers out there…and Happy 420 to all my ganja lovers – please remember to puff, puff, and then, most importantly, pass. It’s a karma thing. I’m looking out for you. Moving on, it feels like it’s been awhile since I gave you a commentary with any real substance. Please accept this morning’s post as my proverbial olive branch…

You know, living in Houston has really made me much more jaded than any other city I’ve had the pleasure of living in. With a population of over 6 million, you can imagine that the crime rate here is quite impressive (or actually unimpressive, when you think of what that really means, but I digress). Every day, I hear news stories that remind me just how scary the world can be and how fortunate I am. But ever so often, I come across a story that really makes me question how some people can be so...deviant. 

This is one of those stories.

For those of you who have already puffed this morning and would prefer the crib notes to the article, here goes: Houston police discovered that these gross, PWT 48 year-old twin creepers lived with their dead mother’s body for three months.  No, really. THREE MONTHS. Their version of the story is that ol’ naggin’ ass moms came in hootin’ and hollerin’ during the BCS Championship game and somehow slipped and fell. Well, they were obviously preoccupied (Hello, the game was on!), so they just left her there. In fact, even after the game (and assessing the situation, no doubt), they left her there since they didn’t have any money for medical care. I guess they figured she’d eventually heal herself by osmosis. To make a long story longer, the boys left her lying [still alive] on the floor for four days without food or water. But obviously only because she didn’t speak up and ask for any, although she was conscious for the first day. She finally gave out on the fourth day. And get this – they remembered the exact date because it was a day after her 89^th birthday. What a fist in the ass. Happy effing birthday, mommy dearest! Would you just die already? The icing on the cake was that they decided not to involve the authorities after her passing…because they didn’t have the money to bury her. The police eventually found the body after the neighbors called because they hadn’t seen the poor little old woman in months. I think a visual would be appropriate now, don’t you? You have to be dying (no pun intended) to see what these bottom feeders look like (excluding poor mommy in the middle)...

Source

Now, if that didn’t kill your high; you must be on that DEATH (haha, shout out to Katt Williams…and okay, maybe a little pun intended that time). This article begs soooo many questions. WHY was her body found with no underpants and her dress hiked up? That might be the most disturbing part. No…I think pretty much all of this story is disturbing. What kind of shitty human beings (if they can be called that…the jury’s still out) could do something like that? To their own mother, no less? My guess is that poor lil’ Sybil just laid there in the hopes that God would end her suffering. What a nightmare it must have been to live with her demonic offspring. I mean, look at them. Hygiene obviously isn’t high on their list of priorities. Again, I have to wonder what it smelled like in there…before AND after the fact. Additionally, I find it extremely difficult to believe that Mama Dukes “slipped and fell.” Slipped on what? A banana peel? (O’Doyle RULES!*) In the middle of the living room? Doubtful. I don’t guess that this house was the cleanest…but what could have been on the floor to instigate such a fall?

Oddly, this story reminds me of Wedding Crashers, and Will Ferrell’s character who lives in the basement and is forever shouting at his Ma to bring him some meatloaf. You know the scene: “Hey, Ma! Can we get some meatloaf?! Hey, Ma! The meatloaf! We want it now! The meatloaf! What is she doing? I never know what she is doing back there. Ma! The meatloaf! Fuck!” Bahahaha I shouldn't compare the two and make light of the situation…but I just can’t help it. I could totally see doucheserious** Chaz Reinhold leaving his poor mother dying on the floor whilst he goes trolling for hoes at the nearest funeral.

On that note, I’ll leave you with a bit of wisdom. For all of you parents out there, this story is exhibit A as to why you should encourage your children to leave the nest. As soon as possible. Because they just might leave you dying on the living room floor with all of your religion showing. For those of you who do not yet have children…maybe you should just keep on keepin’ on…because there is no guarantee that they will ever leave…and they just might leave you dying on the living room floor with all of your religion showing.

*Thanks to Billy Madison for being one of the greatest movies EVER and providing so many quoteables

**Thanks to Taryn for coining this phrase. I use it all the time. Haha!