A Rent-a-Center Stock Room, Hairy Knuckles, and a Runaway Jury.

I thought that since I've been so spotty with my posts lately, I should do my due diligence and give you another tidbit for the day. How's about a little afternoon delight? While getting my daily internet news fix, I came across this article about a St. Louis woman who was recently awarded what could possibly be the largest payout ever granted in a sexual harassment case. To the tune of a whopping $95 million!!! For those of you less than enthused over your afternoon reading assignment, this quote from www.nydailynews.com pretty much sums it all up in a nutshell. I boldfaced the key points for your convenience. Listen, I do what I can.

"Alford claimed that the store's then-manager, Richard Moore*, gave her inappropriate nicknames and touched her inappropriately when she first began working there in 2005. Nearly a year after she was hired, she claimed, he came up to her in the stock room and whacked her on the head with his penis. Then, later that day, he lifted her shirt and masturbated over her as he held her down, she said."


Uh . . . okay. I obviously have a lot to say about this. So . . . the inappropriate nicknames and touching wasn't enough of a red flag? You would think she would have started looking for a different job, instead of hanging around for almost a year after her manager touched her in her no-no spot. No? That aside, how exactly do you think he managed to "whack her on the head with his penis"? Is he a giant? Is she some sort of Lilliputian midget? Does he just have an abnormally loooooooong penis that he just unrolls and slings around all willy nilly, face-thumping people whenever he needs some sexual healing (if so, he must be from the Congo)? But that's not even the most intriguing part of the story. What really got me was the last sentence: "then, later that day, he lifted her shirt and masturbated over her as he held her down, she said." Later that day? So, you mean to tell me that she actually stuck around after catching a dick to the head? That wasn't enough for her to walk out? Instead, she hung out, talking people with bad credit and empty bank accounts into renting furniture and appliances, oblivious to the fact that her genitals-wielding manager was lurking in a back corner, waiting to pin her down and blow his load all over her?

Something about this sounds a bit fishy to me. Methinks we're not getting the whole story, here. Not to take sides with a sexual predator or anything, but unless Richard Moore is ambidextrous with the strength of at least five adult males . . . I honestly don't see how things could have gone down as reported. The details are a little fuzzy. Was it a run-by sploogeing? Oh, wait. It couldn't have been, because he held her down. I don't understand! How could he lift her shirt, hold her down and masturbate to the point of climax all at the same time? Sheesh, that guy is talented. I think he's in the wrong industry, leasing analog televisions to the poor. Taking into consideration his meter stick of a penis,** his ambidexterity, and his profound ability to multitask, it sounds to me like ol' [Long] Dick Moore could give Ron Jeremy a run for his money . . . and if you think for a moment that the irony of his name escaped me, you don't know me very well. Richard Moore? Dick Moore? Moore, Dick. Yeah . . . add this guy to the growing list of men whose parents groomed them to be perverts with piss poor name choices. (Have I mentioned lately how much I love alliteration?)

That said, I feel obligated to admit that I would probably withstand getting thunked in the head by pretty much any body part for $95 million. Hell, I'd even settle for the measly $40 million that she will probably end up receiving after all is said and done. I think there's a lesson to be learned here, folks: getting teabagged while trying to do your job isn't so bad if you end up with a $95 million check. Even if you had to take a pearl necklace for the team.

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*This story is especially funny because the offender in question just so happens to share a government name with a certain rotund, wall-hugging, weeble wobble of an Executive Hall Monitor VP (with hoity-toity, high-class, fancy pants problems, no less) that I happen to know. In fact, I'm pretty sure that name was the first thing that drew my eye to the article. Well, besides the obvious key words - masturbated, $95 million and genitals. I'm curious about the flagrant fondler's current employment status. Surely he couldn't have left his cushy job selling previously owned merchandise for a lowly Executive VP position in a prosperous corporation, right?! No way it's the same guy. The one I know is WAY too short to have a jungle-man's penis long enough to thunk a  grown ass woman in the head. But it's funny to imagine that they are one and the same. Pretty sure our RM prefers kitty cats, though. Oh well, I digress. That was some good stuff, eh? Nothing like an entertaining story about gennies to get your day going right; that's what I say!


**I really used the word "penis" a lot in this post. It's reminiscent of last week, when I couldn't keep Weiner out of my mouth. Hahaha pun obviously intended. That was the last reference I'll make. For real this time. But seriously, if I make any more references to the male genitalia, you guys are going to think I have some sort of misguided genital obsession. I don't. But I apparently have the maturity of a twelve year old boy, so I giggle at words like "weiner" and "penis." I like to say "penis" like "pen-iss" sometimes, just to be fancy. Oh, you didn't know? Yeah, that's right. I'm fancy.