The Rapture

Happy Friday! Well, maybe not so happy. "Why is that," you ask? Well, besides the fact that I'm nursing a well-earned-weeklong-birthday-celebration hangover this morning, today is May 20th. Do you know what that means? That means tomorrow is May 21st . . . aka the Rapture . . . aka Doomsday (if you subscribe to that Harold Camping mumbo jumbo, that is). So does that make today Doomsday Eve?

I have mixed feelings about this. Well, not really mixed feelings. I'm really just less than enraptured with the Rapture. Let's discuss.

• Who is this Camping guy, anyway? What makes him a prophet? What else has he prophesized? I'm not convinced I want to leave the prophecy of the end of the world as we know it in the hands of someone I've never heard of before. Wait. What's that? He's a Christian radio host? Oh, ok. That explains it. Not so much the prophet part, but definitely why I didn't know who the hell he was. I'm a little confused, though. When I Google his name, I keep seeing the word "false" in front of prophet. Hmmmm...must be a typo.
• Has anyone else picked up on the fact that May 21, 2011 is actually Camping's revised prophecy for Doomsday? Since a prophecy doesn't sound much like something that requires revision, this prompted me to do a little research (since again, I know absolutely nothing about this guy). I know he says that he knows "without any shadow of a doubt" that it will happen . . . but I'm not convinced. Apparently, he's been wrong before. Several times. I feel like I need a little bit more confirmation before I go bananas with my AmEx. (Don't judge; a girl needs to look pretty for an apocalypse, right? That sounds like some kickass survival instincts to me. They never let the pretty girls die in the movies.)
• According to Camping, massive earthquakes and other natural disasters will begin on May 21, 2011. Being that I have never lived in a state that actually experiences earthquakes, I have what may be considered an irrational fear of them. There's something about the concept of the earth shaking beneath my feet that I can't quite wrap my mind around. Furthermore, these natural disasters are predicted (by the ever-reliable Camping) to last until October??? I don't understand. Am I expected to stand in a doorjamb until October? That's just silly. What if I have to potty? This is giving me anxiety.
• Ok, so how exactly is this whole Rapture situation going to work? Apparently, approximately 200 million "righteous" will "Rapture into heaven" (I didn't realize it was also a verb), and the sinners will be left behind? Although I like my chances a tad bit better with these numbers than with the 144,000 that the Jehovah's Witnesses believe will make it to heaven . . . I'm still a little worried. How do I know if I'm righteous or a sinner? Is there some sort of Rapture manual with a checklist to help identify whether I'd be one of the ones left behind? If so, I imagine it to be something like a Cosmo quiz - "If you answered 'yes' to more than 4 of the questions . . . sorry for your luck. Enjoy the earthquakes." I don't know what to do. I have to have some sort of guidance to help me quickly determine if I need to go buy enough Doomsday supplies to last me until October, or if I just need to buy something pretty for my rendezvous with St. Peter. (Side note: I've always wondered about the wardrobe situation in Heaven. Will I have an endless closet, filled with all of the latest fashions I can't live without, with everything fitting me perfectly and looking amazing...for all of eternity? Or will I be stuck wearing whatever I died in or was buried in? Wearing the same outfit for...well...ever, sounds more like hell to me. I'm just saying.)

Well, at this point, I feel like I should stop typing. If tomorrow truly is the beginning of the end, I probably shouldn't waste any more time blogging. You certainly shouldn't waste any more time reading. What will you do on this Doomsday Eve? How will you ring in the Rapture? Will you spend it clutching your rosaries (although I'm fairly certain if you're not on the guest list by now, a few extra prayers today probably won't do you any good), or will you party like it's 1999? I think I'll just go shopping. Nothing like some retail therapy to make you forget the end of the world (I guess this means a trip to the mall. It seems a little nonsensical to pay for shipping if I'm never going to receive my goodies). Besides, I've done enough partying this week, remember? I think my liver is secretly glad that the Rapture is tomorrow. I don't think it knows that the end isn't scheduled to start until about 6 p.m. That leaves plenty of time for cocktails.

Good luck, kiddos. Grab your hard hats and keep an eye out for zombies. I'll catch you on the flip side.

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